a little crazy…I’m confused and feeling unsettled….of course the unsettled part is normal for me at this point….but still….this last month has been such a nice reprieve from the same old routine of mundane pain and nothingness, the silence, feeling invisible…I don’t want to go back to that…it would crush me after having a taste of loveliness…to feel like someone wants to know me better, share a meal, do a shot and talk about anything that comes to mind, just to be interested in my opinion, to ask me to do something new,…its been so long since someone told me I am beatiful, sexy, sweet, funny….that they dig me…I think I found the closest match possible to my dating profile….which was really just a description of you….a love tribute…the essence of who you were…how could anything less do? I was so lucky to have had you..to have you still, as my soul mate. You’ve given me a recipe for what a man should be…and the best time of my life…I’d give anything to have you back…I wouldn’t be telling you this at all if you were still here….this letter would just go poof and be gone in a puff of stardust….like it didnt happen…and for a brief moment I still feel myself waiting to wake up from the nightmare that created this chaos in my mind. Now I’m thinking too much about everything…I’m excited and scared….I’m afraid you think I’m giving up on you….I’m afraid we’ll disappear altogether if I’m with someone else…but I’m afraid I will disappear alone if I’m not. Love is such a double edged sword. ..so lovely and painful…you can’t live with it and you can’t live without it…if you have something to say…please say it….or come and get me…because I don’t want to go back down the rabbit hole….