“No one can go back and make a new start, but anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.”
I actually felt quite bad after writing yesterday’s entry, I’m still very upset about Saskia, but I know she’s no longer suffering and that’s really the most important thing and exactly why I ended up having to do what I did!
Again I’m overly tired so my temper has been rather short. Harry didn’t have his nap at all today, so he ended up falling asleep for the night much earlier. My mum and I took Harry for a few hours to his dad’s parent’s house so he could spend some time with them. It’s always tricky whenever we see them as I’m not with Harry’s dad, we were never really together like that. We have been friends for years; we had a relationship for seven months and we were extremely careless and I fell pregnant. Despite knowing we had been irresponsible, the shock for the father and I is something I literally cannot put into words. I’m so glad I had Harry, but obviously the situation is very difficult and there’s often a kind of war over Harry between both families. His dad didn’t tell his family I was pregnant until I was eight months pregnant, which wasn’t very nice really, it still hurts me even now 🙁
I finally got Harry’s dad (Will) to agree to pay child maintenance which is a law anyway and I’m glad I managed to sort it out! Problem is I feel really guilty about asking Will about it and requesting he pay…I know it’s the law but I still end up feeling terrible and guilty about asking. Harry was given a social worker before he was even born because I’ve been diagnosed with severe mental health issues since age 14 and the social worker always urged me to get Harry’s child maintenance sorted. It’s Harry’s money anyway! I shouldn’t feel bad that Harry’s going to get the payments off his father that he needs and deserves… surely that can only be a good thing?! I feel guilty about more things than people could ever really realise, know or understand!
Feeling bad about things all the time is terribly wearing, and it often gets to the point where you feel you just cannot live with it any longer. I have honestly done some horrific things, the only people worse than me are terrorists 🙁 The difference is I have a conscience. Every awful mistake I make is another brick loaded onto my back. I was an inpatient on section from January 2012 to August 2013 and I asked to see a priest who came to the ward to visit me. I requested absolution and the priest did that. Maybe I need to ask for absolution again really. The priest was the one who suggested the absolution because I told him I constantly felt guilty about things I had done. I’ve done even worse things since leaving hospital, so maybe I need it again.
I realise I can’t go back and undo all the wrongs I did that I struggle to live with now, but sometimes you need something that can ease the burden in order to keep you being able to make the most of the here and now!