Love, Romance, and all sorts of mushy, gushy, stuff…

I like to consider myself a romantic. I wear my heart on my sleeve, am stimulated by poetry and beautiful words, and I love to shower those I love in a big lathering of my feelings. The thing is…so why haven’t I found Mrs. Right? Well, I think I’m good enough at psychoanalyzing myself to answer that.

  1. I don’t fall very easy. I’m not trying to make myself sound ABOVE other females, in fact, most often times I find it a curse. But, regardless, I can’t just date any woman that shows interest in me. I know so many girls (and some guys) who do. They meet someone who will give them a chance, they’re suddenly ‘in love’ with them after week 1, they post non-stop on facebook about how “so-and-so” is their baby and their world. Then boom, a month later, they’ve broken up, and as soon as the other person shuts the door in their face they’re already in another serious relationship. This is NOT me. It has NEVER BEEN me. And it WON’T EVER BE me. (I know, ‘never say never’…but really, trust me on this one.) I had my first crush when I was 5. We will call him Will… the boy that lived in the townhouse next door. We used to ride our Big Wheels together up and down the sidewalk in our apartment complex. We talked about all of the important things….marriage, kissing, cartoons… But we moved away, and lil Will was forgotten. I had “boyfriends” in elementary school just because it was the cool thing to do. Eric in 1st grade (I was so excited when he picked me over Carla and Leslie…1st grade love triangles are tough…), David in 2nd grade…but those were all just ‘flings’, if you will.  Ya know, holding hands on the playground for a week until the next week when we had forgotten that we even decided to be “boyfriend and girlfriend”. My first real boyfriend was Cameron in 5th grade. My first pop kiss (in the swimming pool with goggles on) and he even took me to my first dance. I got a corsage and everything, I felt very important. We ‘dated’ for a year, ya know like going with our parents to the zoo, the movies, and even holding hands in the ball pit in the jungle gym at Burger King …but there’s nothing like middle school to tear a solid couple apart. (I hope you all are sensing my humor and sarcasm, most people don’t, so if you don’t, it’s cool…just continue reading and thinking how I’m the weirdest, most dramatic person in the world.) So middle school, there was Kevin and David (not the same one from 2nd grade). I pretty much just had boyfriends because it was what you were supposed to do in middle school. If you’ve read my previous posts or know me at all, you know that I’m a lesbian. I was not aware of this when I was in middle school, I just thought I was a messed up weirdo because I didn’t feel the same way about my boyfriends that my friends did about theirs. More on that later. By the time I was 14 and a freshman in high school I had my first real kiss. (Yes, 14… kids were so much more innocent back then). I had just gotten braces put on the week before and also the worst haircut of my life so I was wearing a hat. He was also wearing a hat. We went in for it and the bills of our hats hit and caused our lips not to meet. It was awkward and embarrassing. Not to mention we were sitting on my brother’s bed. Don’t ask me why, because I still can’t recall that one. But he was a gentleman (or maybe just a horny teenage boy) and he didn’t mind, he took his hat off and the magic (or lack there of) of my first make-out session happened. His name was Ryan. He was a cutie. I was actually crushin on him pretty hard, perhaps because he was there and my hormones were going all crazy.  I swore me and Ryan had a real connection, but it took me to adulthood to figure out why he never wanted me to be his girlfriend, but for 4 straight years always wanted to kiss me. Well, I never gave him the satisfaction of what he was really after, perhaps that’s why here we are at 34 years old and he’s still knocking on my door. It sucks being told NO and never getting what you want. Especially for a guy like him, who I am pretty sure never heard the word no, and was very used to getting what he wanted from plenty of girls. So high school comes along and whereas most of my friends either dated a new guy every other month or dated their high school sweetheart and ended up marrying them; I on the other hand only had 2 boyfriends my whole high school career. Each one only lasted a few months or so.  Again, I didn’t know it at the time, but the reason being: I like GIRLS. I’m just not into MEN that way, Lord knows I tried to be for more than half of my life. I really should have known in high school that I was gay…I never crushed on my friends or anything like that, I’ve always liked older, more mature women…and I know now that I was crushing hard on one of my female teachers my freshman year. I dismissed it as just a really close bond…but no. I felt for her the things that I thought I was “supposed” to feel for boys. I would go home and think about her, write poems about her, pretend I didn’t understand my homework so that I could get one-on-one tutoring with her…it was all so RIGHT THERE in my face. But growing up in Tennessee….in both Baptist Church and Pentecostal/Church of God… I had been taught that it was wrong, immoral, unholy, perverted, and an abomination. So, I didn’t think twice about it….until I was older. By the time I was 21 I had tried so hard to fall in love with a man. I went on dates with football players, youth ministers(that were my age), musicians…honey, I was trying them all on, in hopes that it would finally click with me and finally I would be normal. I actually did fall in some sort of “puppy love” with one MAN. I was 20. I don’t really know if it could really be counted though because he was such a feminine man. He had long hair, had a girl name, wore girl jeans (sounds weird, but he pulled that shit off and made it look hip), and he was so sensitive and in touch with his feelings. I think I was drawn to him because loving him was like loving a woman. I was one of his groupies and followed him to every gig he performed. He flirted with me and lead me on too, but it didn’t go anywhere because he always had a girlfriend…and I was just side fun for him I guess, because he stayed with his girlfriend. He was the only guy I ever kinda fell for…but really, does he even count? He was basically a girl in my eyes- haha. I was 21 years old before I actually said aloud to myself  “I’m gay. I like women.” Everything just started piecing together for me at that point. It all started clicking and I thought about all of the women that I had had crushes on but didn’t understand (or maybe just wouldn’t/couldn’t accept) what it really was. They were all older women. If I was a teenager I was crushing on a woman in her 20’s …when I was in my 20’s I crushed on women in their 30’s…and yep the cycle continues. I’m in my 30’s and crush on women in their 40’s. I guess that’s just “my type”.  I like ’em a decade older. haha. Don’t ask me why… why is anyone attracted to or drawn to the people that they are? It’s just how I’m wired. Even though I had finally admitted to myself that I was gay, I kept that secret stuffed down inside of my heart for another 2 years. It was agony. Trying to hide who you really are is hurtful and exhausting. No one should ever feel like they can’t be loved for who they really are. My dad passed away when I was 22, but it wasn’t for another year when I was 23 that I fell in love for the first time. And it was with a girl…no, a WOMAN… and the best part, the feelings were mutual. For the first time in my life, I was able to kiss someone and feel butterflies and fireworks and all of the things I had deprived myself of in my teen years for not admitting to myself who I really was. It was amazing and I couldn’t get enough of it…and her. That was my first legit, REAL, meaningful, serious relationship. It lasted for 3 years. It ended in the nastiest heartbreak of all time, but when it was good….it was perfect. I came out slowly, like that of a Night-Blooming flower, to my friends and family. First to my immediate family, and then one-by-one in private meetings with each of my really good friends. For the most part, I was accepted, and they were receptive. I am very blessed to have a mom that supports me. I had problems with my Aunt, which really hurt because I was always very close to her) and we didn’t speak for a couple of years after. Each and every one of my friends were angels and told me that it didn’t matter to them who I loved, they only wanted to see me happy. I had mixed reactions too. Half of the people I told were completely shocked and “would have never guessed”…and well the other half said “I knew that, was just waiting for you to tell me”.  Coming out is still to this day the most freeing and liberating feeling I’ve ever experienced. It was like I had been holding my breath my entire life and finally was able to breathe. An enormous weight was lifted off of me…and it felt good. Finally getting to show the world who you really are is the best thing you can do for yourself. You don’t have to be gay to experience this, we as humans tend to hide and hold back an array of parts to ourselves.  It’s not healthy, and you will never truly be happy and free until you LET IT OUT and just BE YOU. You’re perfect the way you are, with all of your quirks and flaws and longings. Ok, back to my point! (I’m sorry I took you on the longest detour possible to arrive here.) Since I was 23, I have only had 2 serious relationships, and one semi-serious one. I’ve dated women on and off…but I’ve only fallen in love TWICE. It’s not hard for me to connect with someone as a lovely human being, but for me to feel those FIREWORKS and PASSION…it’s a rare thing. It’s a special thing. I believe love should not be limited, but also should not be given freely to every potential mate you meet. I’ve met several great girls who I TRIED so hard to love, but it just wasn’t there for me. They might have been the perfect catch, but it didn’t matter to me because I have to feel our souls connect. A literal bolt of lightning needs to strike between your heart and mine for me to even think about dating you. So that is ONE HUGE reason that I am single.
  2. Another reason I’m single is because DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO MEET GIRLS IF YOU’RE A GIRL? Straight people have it so much easier. You’re out somewhere, you see a guy or a girl you like, and 9 times out of 10 they’re straight too and you don’t have to wonder. But the chances of me seeing a woman I like and her being a lesbian too, is SLIM. Unless I’m at a gay bar or on an online dating site for lesbians. But, call me old-fashioned, that’s not the way I want to meet someone. I’m not much for the bar scene anyways (anymore- boy did I go through a phase, but we’ll save that for another post)…and I don’t want to meet someone online. I want it to be a natural meeting. But, like I said, the chances of me naturally meeting a girl in public and her being a lesbian are not that high. It could happen, but very slim chances. So, here I sit…stubborn, picky, oh-s0-romatic, but… ALONE. I love love. I KNOW love. I dream of love. I crave a strong, untouchable love. I understand love, perhaps more than many people do. But yet, it is SO hard for a person like me to find. But I will never stop dreaming of that one soul out there that is meant for me and I for it.
  3. I was actually going to make a couple of more points, but I’m really sleepy and I have probably divulged too much information on myself anyways. If you’re judging me for it, then you’re an asshole…. if you’re not, then bless you and let’s be friends. 😉 I’m sure I’ll touch more on this at a later date.

2 thoughts on “Love, Romance, and all sorts of mushy, gushy, stuff…”

  1. I do not judge you, dear girl. And please write more when you are not so tired. This is a good place to let out your deepest feelings. We “know” each other here, but not by any identifying factors (well, except that is my real face). I hope you know that God loves you, He does not judge you either. I hope you find the love you wish for.

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