Off I go again

So you finally replied. What does this mean? Are you doing this out of politeness? I know you would never want to hurt me intentionally, so I can’t help but think you are replying just to not hurt me. You have me sitting here wondering if I should even reply because I’m not sure what you want. A part of me is telling me to reply because I know I will and that I want to. The other part is telling me not to because I don’t want to be annoying and disappointed when you don’t reply. I hate this. I know I will reply. I just have to know what to expect – and I do. But I guess that doesn’t make it any easier. I have had moments where you not replying crossed my mind and that quick drop in my heart occurred. It’s not the best feeling. Especially from the other side of the world. It makes me more prone to being homesick for some reason. Waking up and connecting my phone to the hospital wifi to see your name roll down my phone screen sure was something though. So here’s to dragging out another period of feeling like shit. Which is almost stupid because right now I feel fine about this situation. Because I know I’m not annoying you. God this is dumb. But I’m dumb enough to do it again. So off I go.

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