I am amazed everyday at the idea that I’m alive. I seriously thought I would be dead by now. I don’t know why I think that but I do/I have. It isn’t that I don’t want to be alive but more that I’m learning life all over again. It seems strange that I’m sat in my living at the moment thinking about random shit of life. I went to hear Brad preach this morning. I felt like he was speaking TO me. I texted him earlier and he said “thank you for coming. Seeing your face really calmed me down.” I told him I felt like he was talking to me specifically. He talked about “being in the storm;” as in, storms in life. When his church posts his sermon, I’m going to listen to it again. I could tell when he was praying that he broke down. I was crying and I don’t know if he saw me or not but when I realized he was crying I wanted to hug him. He is such a good guy. Awesome friend. and I love his wife and girls. I envy his family and I envy the love he has for his wife. I’m so glad to know them and have told them both to never let go of one another. I caution myself from giving out any advice considering I can’t hold my marriage together or any meaningful relationship at this point.
I had errands to run today and I got them all done. I’ve yet to balance my checkbook. gaaaaaaaa…I”m putting that off for later. I have also begun changing all my beneficiary information over to my son. I don’t have his SS# so I need to get that. Later. I’ll do it later. I changed everything to him. I don’t know what to say about my daughter. It seems she still isn’t interested in having a relationship with me and that is her decision. I can only “be here” whenever and IF she decides she wants me in her life. However, I’ve made the decision to NOT hound her. She is pissed off over things she knows nothing about and has no business knowing. I still will not share all the dirt on my ex. It isn’t right and I don’t care what anyone says. He has told everything from his point of view to our children. All I can say to that is that they know half and my half would only hurt them more. I refuse to be THAT parent/mother. So I’ll take the anger and hate. I will endure the silence. I may well not have a relationship with my oldest for a very long or may be forever but it is my hope that one day she realizes that I did the best thing for HER. I can’t beat myself up. Everyone who is close to me tells me to tell her the whole truth about him. Nope. That is something I decided. I cannot hurt my children that way. The only thing that they know is that I didn’t want the divorce. I loved/love their father and that is how it is and I can’t say more than that. Honestly, it isn’t the business of my children about the divorce or mediation. Sigh. I’m tired of thinking about it. In short: I love my children more than I am disappointed and hurt by my ex. I can live with that. I have to.
Almost called Thad today. I don’t know why. Comfort? Company? Unfinished business? I don’t know. I think he became a person who was always here and present. Even if he was not good for me I think I miss that connection. It was like no matter what kind of day I was having I knew he’d be calling close to shift end and asking what I wanted for dinner or ask me to come over. Always.The truth is that Thad isn’t good for me. Glad I didn’t call.
The whole truth is that I’m lonely. It isn’t that I can’t cope but more like I don’t have a connection where I can sit across the table and just be in the company of someone who I care about. I have tons of friends but honestly, they have their own life. I want to curl up beside someone that loves me and just drift off to sleep, I want to be wanted. Desired? sure but that is another problem thanks to my ex. I doubt I will EVER have a long term relationship because of that. I don’t see anyone wanting to be with me once it is all revealed. I don’t blame anyone but myself I guess. I do blame my ex but what good does that do? The short of it is that crave human touch and for now that isn’t what I really need. I’m smart enough to know that I cannot offer anything to anyone now. I don’t even have enough of me for ME at this point so entering into any relationship would be insane. Wrong. Damaging. Mean. so yeah…I’m alone and lonely sometimes, but ………. I will survive.
I am stronger today than I was even a month ago. Hell, I’m stronger today than I was yesterday I think. I don’t know. I have so many emotions that I can’t keep them straight. What scares me today? failure. loss. dying alone. anger. sadness. What energizes me? failure. loss. dying alone. anger. sadness. Funny how all that is connected somehow. Today I picked up my study guide for the GRE. I plan on beginning my study schedule tomorrow. I will take the exam around December and pray I pass well enough to be accepted to grad school. Then the stress will be PASSING grad school. It is noted to be one of the most difficult programs but I know I have to try. I cannot even be sure where that feeling comes from but I know I have to try. It is something I have to attempt. At least if I try I will know. The worst thing that can happen is I fail. If I have survived this far I believe I can survive almost anything.
A note for the man I love who lives in my head. No face. No name. Just a dream. Dear person I love, I hope your day was good. i hope you laughed today. I hope you were blessed somehow and I hope you share that with me. I want to share my thoughts and feelings of my day with you. Let’s go for a walk. Share a coffee. or maybe you are a runner and want to do a nice easy 5-6 mile run. Let me draw us a bath and let’s go bathe and relax. Let’s laugh at something silly. Let me lean into you and feel you wrap your arms around me. Whisper you love me and let me close my eyes and feel the gratitude of love again. Let me lay against your chest tonight and fall asleep knowing I am needed, loved and protected. Love, me. 🙂
Tomorrow I am to sign the divorce decree. This will probably be one of THE most difficult days I have to face yet. It is truly o.v.e.r. and my life has changed forever. I doubt I will ever have the courage or ability to trust and/or love another human being as deeply has I have him. I think that part of me died with those words “I want a divorce. I’m fucking tired of you and trying to make you happy.” A part of me died. A part of me just stopped existing. She is gone. My heart is heavy tonight. I will survive this though. I will survive tomorrow. I will survive because it is what I do. It is what I’ve always done. Letting someone know me, REALLY know me seems impossible. I believe some people are destined to be alone……….I believe I am one of those people.