Just as I write an entry about feeling constantly guilty…last night I get into an argument with Will and say something extremely offensive about his mother. I wrote in my entry before this one that I went to Wills’ parents house to let Harry spend time with Will and his mother, but as we all sit down Wills’ mother announces shes been in bed till midday trying to recover from a bad virus where she had fever, bad throat, bad nose etc. I immediately thought ‘Why didn’t you let my mum or me know? Why do you want to risk infecting Harry? Whatever Harry catches I catch, but as I’m looking after Harry I cannot rest or recover? Also my mums immune system took a massive blow during her cancer treatment, she gets very upset and worried about her health now, and even little things can really make her upset?!’
Yesterday my mum went out with a friend but came back feeling very ill. She mentioned she was extremely cross that Wills’ mum didn’t say she had a bad virus so that we could re-arrange the visit, because now she fears she has caught whatever she had. My mum said that Will’s mum doesn’t care, as long as she gets to see Harry and that she was a very selfish woman. When my mum and I were discussing it and I saw my mum looking very tired and drawn, I became enraged. Borderline Personality Disorder results in feeling extremely intense emotions and not being able to cope with them or calm yourself. I was feeling so angry I was shaking, my stomach was turning and my heart was beating so fast. I decided to ask Will to just please tell his mum that in future could she let us know if she has a virus to let us know and we re-arrange visiting. But Will didn’t seem to think it was even a big deal. I got even angrier that they were willing to add to me and my mums’ stresses here when he knows we have a lot of problems, neither me, Harry or my mum want to be ill with fever and things on top of everything.
I told Will to please stop talking, I said I didn’t want to talk about it anymore because the situation would just escalate and I’d end up saying something awful. He did carry on and I did end up saying something extremely offensive about his mum 🙁 I feel so bad about it because I can’t seem to stop making an already difficult situation worse. Obviously Will was all ‘Well I’m sorry my mum just wants to spend time with her grandson!’ We have always been unstable as a relationship, we always end up arguing and it always just gets worse and worse.
I’ve been trying to just plod through it and hope it goes away soon but I can’t deny I’m feeling super sick in my mental health issues right now and it has been building up but I don’t have the time to be sick again, not with my son. I don’t want to say I don’t feel well to anyone, I don’t want it to be happening. What’s worse is actually I think I’ve caught what Will’s mum has, on top of everything, because I have a bit of a temperature now and I’ve been having to take paracetamols 🙁 And like I said before, I can’t rest. I was starting to feel hot and shivery last night but my son woke up at 11:20am crying and I had to give him calpol and settle him down in my bed with me for the night. It must have been nearly 12:30am when we all finally slept.
I am not feeling well physically or mentally and I’ve said some really terrible things about someone’s mother who I don’t even know that well so I didn’t have the right to be that extreme and I don’t think Harry’s dad will ever forgive me to be honest. I have blocked his number on my phone to end the arguing. I don’t even know if he got my abusive message about his mother or not, but he probably did. I really don’t know what to do, but I am going to take some more paracetamol for the temperature 🙁