i don’t normally begin things at the end of the month or year, but since i can’t go back to therapy till january, this will have to do.
this is my third attempt at word vomit as my last two were utterly destroyed by this website and since i suppose i will be using this as my means for therapy, then i’ll start with the classic question: how are you feeling? funny thing to ask because i genuinely never know. and how does that make you feel? that’s the thing. i don’t. have you been having suicidal thoughts? oh yeah, i can’t even keep a log if im jotting down by the second. either way, suicide is a long stretch i don’t see myself making. mainly out of laziness and a lack of creativity. i don’t even think i’m depressed anymore, really. or maybe i’m so used to it that my general state of “it would be quite nice to die this instant” translates to “hey, i feel quite alright today i think.” i don’t believe it’s either or. people always tell me there’s no gray area, but that’s just wishful thinking.
i know this isn’t a letter, but all things must have closure, right? or are cliffhangers the new goodbye? i might consider ending these with “from the bottom of the barrel,” or is that also wishful thinking on my part?