Things are getting really bad in my life again, I seem to be losing control. I am basically just handling everything really badly, I’m not being a good mum at all and I’m not treating myself well again. I notice when I feel unwell I stay up much much later than I already do anyway and I don’t eat enough; even if I feel extremely hungry I am willing to still leave myself hungry. I’ve been like that since my dad got ill and obsessed with losing weight when I was ten years old. What I saw at meal times sometimes would cause me so much anxiety that I wouldn’t eat and I had no pleasure or interest in food whatsoever. I weighed only 6 and a half stone till I was 20 years old when I was sectioned in a private hospital and they were trying me on different medications, one of which made me put on two stone in a matter of months. I don’t take it now because I suffered too many side effects with it. Now whenever I start to struggle with my mental health the first thing that goes is my eating, I miss meals and I don’t mind, even though I know I shouldn’t. Another warning sign is I get angrier and more argumentative than normal with the people I love the most.
Point is I want to stop any of this getting any worse. I need to try I really do. Because I now have a very young child who needs me. I’m a single mum with two very ill parents (okay, well my mum is in recovery so she will be alright, but it’ll take a long time) I know they always help when they can, but they certainly wouldn’t be able to look after Harry if I became as mentally ill as I used to be just before I became pregnant. I know it seems a good thing that I gave up medications and reduced some of them, I gave up self harm and suicide attempts and as a result my mental health team discharged me and so did Harry’s social worker….they are all good things but it means I am out of coping mechanisms and people that can help me….which in a way makes me much more vulnerable if you see what I’m getting at? I still have two illnesses (BPD and severe depression) and so I need to take care of myself more than ever because I cannot do what I used to do for a release and I also don’t have the support of a mental health team. If I take good care of myself, I am good to take care of Harry. I must remember all this, I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. Unfortunately I don’t think that I have been sectioned over four years of my life because I’m good at that but, I recognize all this so that’s a good start I guess. I think that’s been the toughest thing about having Harry, the fact that after 14 years of abusing the hell out of myself (honestly I went to have stitches from self harm in like March of 2014 and the guy who stitched me up said “I’m extremely concerned because since the start of 2014 you’ve been admitted to A&E 32 times for stitches and we’re only in March.”) I suddenly have to take care of myself. Suddenly my health and wellbeing is almost the most important thing along with my sons’ health of course.
I got too comfortable with being able to take everything out on myself. It was a fall back. I talk all the time about feeling terrible about myself, but before whenever I felt bad about myself I’d ‘punish’ myself and get it all out, I’d take tablets and take myself out of it all. But now I feel bad and I cannot slash myself to pieces, I cannot take 40 sleeping tablets during the course of the day. I cannot just swallow 14 lorazepams. I have to actually sit with it and deal with it and carry on looking after a baby!!
I rang the new health visitor yesterday and raised my concerns about Harry, so she came to the house today at 3pm to do the 15 month check. She has eased a lot of my concerns, she thinks Harry is absolutely fine and normal. She’d like to help me with Harrys routine, which is causing me to be so tired it’s unbelievable! The lady’s name is Jennifer and she said Harry’s routine is exhausting and I’m not showing him who is boss! Basically I’m spoiling him in other words. I think I got comfortable with Harry’s baby routine…but now he’s becoming a toddler and he’s changing, but I’m still trying to give him what he wants on demand without much routine. She wrote down an example of a routine that I can start working towards. Jen said it sounds like I barely get any time to myself and it’s just too tiring. Harry goes to bed so late! He can easily be up till 11pm or midnight. So he gets up late…9am sometimes. The new health visitor has really helped me with her visit today and I don’t feel as lost with what to do with Harry! Anyway…being overly exhausted on top of everything else won’t help me and I know that.
I’m happy that I’ve got some help with Harry’s routine because I want to be a much much better mum to him. That’s all I want!