Watching films alone

Its late, its always late and I’m up watching films, letting my thought’s run away with themselves as per usual…

I’m drinking my rather fucking lukewarm tea (seems to be the only way I drink it these days) typing this, I don’t really know where I’m heading with this one so bare with me while I gather my own thoughts.

I’m smoking my ‘cigg’ contemplating dragging myself to bed to go to sleep, my predicament? Going to bed knowing I’m probably still not going to fall asleep any time soon. Reasons why? The otherhalf is yet again still not home and I’m lonely. I’m tired of going to bed alone or waiting up til stupid o’clock to wait for him and risk missing my alarms to get up and get on with the day due to constant sleep deprivation.

At least I have this journal, even if I never receive a single comment being able to get things out helps so much, especially as it seems the only people I can talk to are people that are not mine to vent personal problems to for fear of being too emotionally close to someone else, even if sometimes I don’t have much choice but to talk to other people when they see the details of my life from outside the box and ask me why? Why do I put up with being let down? Why do I put up with such sporadic reliability? Why do I put up with someone with so much emotional detachment? What’s even worse is when I can only answer with “I don’t know because I love the stupid twat” and shrug my shoulders I can’t help but wonder the same thing.

Nevermind I suppose…. Things will get better one day?

Questions, questions….

 

3 thoughts on “Watching films alone”

  1. I am sorry to hear you are going through this. I hope that when he does arrive home (soon) he can see how lucky he is to have someone waiting for him. How long have you been together? Has your relationship always been like this? Same job?
    I allowed myself to feel that loneliness for many years, always feeling like I was not important enough, always helping others yet couldn’t depend on anyone to help me including him. I got tired of feeling like I was always complaining about him. I felt alone longing for love and affection, for appreciation and respect. That seemed to have been what eventually constructed the brick wall between us. The more I pushed for it, the further he seemed to go. I eventually felt so distant I left after 22 years. Hardest thing I’ve done in many years.
    One thing that was hard for me to learn and understand is that most men have this false sense that everything is ok, when it’s not (according to us women) In my opinion as long as we are still there nurturing them, and loving them and protecting them they are pretty content in life. Men think simple, and our minds run 1000 marathons about different scenarios and/or situations. Most men clearly do not understand the emotional needs that women go through. I can only wish for you that he gets it and shows you how special you are to him. It’s nice when our other half spoils us with love and affection. It makes us love their asses that much more.
    Don’t be so hard on yourself dear, your not alone. Most older women have felt exactly what your going through. I’ve always got an ear to listen my friend.
    Now excuse me, my tea is lukewarm. ☺

    Peace & Love,
    Daisy

  2. There’s this song “Brick” by Bens fold five, it’s a completely different situation, but there’s this one line “Now that I have found some one, I’m feeling more alone than I ever was before.”

    I use to not understand it… til my marriage sort of fell apart and there was zero communication between my hubby and me. It’s isolating when you can’t express your feelings to some one you love.

    My advice is to pursue a few hobbies, a few things that you enjoy doing to fill up the time. Give yourself and your free time some meaning! Sometimes when we sit up and wait for our partners night after night, they don’t realize nor appreciate the gesture (never mind understanding it), but when you are consumed by your own path of discovery the situation dawns on them & they reach out to you.

    Hope that helps 🙂

  3. Thanks so much therealgoddessianna and Daisy, you two really helped put a smile on my face 🙂
    Things do feel a bit better I took your advice thegoddessianna and got myself a sewing machine! Still a bit wonky but hey I’ll get there!
    And daisy I hope you got a hot cup of tea in the end and I hope I can be a listening ear to you too 🙂 thanks again so much <3

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