I don’t want to be sad anymore.
Some days I feel like I’ve made so much progress compared to who I was a year ago and other days I feel like I am constantly lying to myself and that I am still the same person.
I was doing decent all day. I was okay and now I can barely see through my tears, I can barely breath properly, I feel alone, I feel disgusting , I feel sad, overwhelmingly sad, a sadness that I can drown in, a sadness that will just not go away. A sadness that can’t be cured with immense self love, self awareness, empathy, or love from others. No friendship, song, activity or amount of accomplishments can make this sadness go away forever, yes, it mutes it, but it’s foolish to believe it won’t ever become loud again.
I’m at a loss for words as to how loud this sadness gets, it does not come with a caution label, it does not ask permission to enter. It just seems to come and go as it pleases.
I hope when my body dies and my soul reincarnates it won’t ever feel this pain again. For now, at this moment, I am okay, but I hope even more that throughout my life I will be better than okay, but I will never be sure.