I scream loudly but nobody hears.
I laugh and nobody cares.
I cry and nobody comforts me.
I disappear and nobody looks.
I am me, whatever that may be. I don’t want to be a nobody but I am not the somebody I should want to be. Hope and faith have gotten me through but inaction has stilted me.
I am my biggest champion yet I have failed myself. I need to find my own. I need to claim the person that I always wanted to be. I lost my way, even before I began the journey. 25 years of excuses is all that remain.
He’s says I don’t listen and he’s right. He says I always make it about me and he’s right. Self involved but not self aware. He says we are broken. We both need more. I want more and he wants to want more. At least I want him to want it. Not sure if he can.
So today, I weigh 335 pounds. I have gained 150 pounds during our 17 years together. That is insane. I am disgusted by me. I don’t want to be this version of me anymore.
Today is my day. Today, I can open the door, no matter what awaits. Today, I asked him to come through the door with me and he said he would. I should try on my own but we are stronger together. I don’t know what’s on the other side but here I go….