What do I do

Another day I’m waking up with my eyes so puffed up that there is no way I can disguise that I cried myself to sleep. The first person who saw me at the nursery today when dropping off my daughter said ‘Oh my God what happened to you’. My neck is in agony, seriously feel that my head will fall off cause it’s too heavy for my neck to support. From what google says and from what I remember after my accident I think I have whiplash this time. Would rather he just punched me in the eye and blacked it so people can see what he does to me when he’s in one of his moods.

The last time was months ago, between the last Christmas and New Years. I’d forgotten how he can be when he’s in one of his zones. He’ll be so nice and loving. Then he’ll hurt me badly and will be clear he’s not sorry for it. Last time he hit me so hard so he ruptured my ear drum. He never comes with me to the doctor after either. That was the most embarrassing day of my life. As soon as the doctor checked me he asked me who hit you so hard?

I’m a small person in build. I don’t have physical strength. I have a mouth though and if I see something wrong I try and stand up for myself as best as I can. Maybe that’s my mistake. I try not to show I get scared if someone is shouting abuse at me. Yesterday I tried to stay out of the situation by avoiding him. I knew he was in a mood from Monday. When he’s like that he shuts down. Stops being normal. Stops interacting me the kids and stops doing anything around the house. He’ll make sure the things he usually does he’ll stop so I have to do them. He’ll make a mess on purpose and will leave clothes thrown around the place. He doesn’t do that when he’s normal.

I’d told him yesterday I’d had enough of living like this. I’ve had enough of everything at home being broken and not replaced or looked after. (I’d received more than an earful when our washing machine broke and I went and got a new one – and this was after years of it making funny noises and he wouldn’t let me bring someone to check and possibly fix it). What else did he want me to do, wash everything by hand?

As I was sitting and paying bills on the computer (this was after us bickering), he threw both his shoes at me with such a force that when they banged on the wall my daughter came running it. They only just missed me so I got up and left to the other room. I knew he was seeing red whatever I’d say or do.  I only went back in the room when my daughter was complaining she was hungry so I had to go and make something for her. I didn’t say a word to him. And he still came at me. He kept shouting abuse at me (I kept my head down looking at what I was making) but he was so close and shouting so much in my ear that his spit was going on me. When he wouldn’t stop I turned my back on him to leave as I knew what was coming. I should never have turned my back on him. He got me in a head lock and dragged me to the living room where he threw me on the couch. From there he grabbed me again and threw me on the floor like I was a rag doll. I don’t think I ever felt more helpless as at least if he was hitting me I’d try to hit or kick back to get myself free. Only when my daughter appeared he let me escape to the other room where I stayed for the rest of the night with my daughter. I didn’t call the cops again. I feel like such a failure. I wish he would leave but he never will. He said today that I’m lucky my daughter appeared when she did otherwise he wouldn’t have stopped and that I got off lightly. I need to get out but I don’t know how or who to turn to. Other times I’d tried to leave and had confided in people they’d always talk me out of it. But I can’t do this anymore. He’s said it himself that in those moments he has no control on himself and even scares himself that he wants to kill me or hurt me real bad. And I would die if my kids grow up thinking it’s ok to do or accept this kind of behavior.

We owe a lot of money to the banks, that I know he won’t pay if I leave and then not only would I risk losing our home but my mother’s home too as it was used as a guarantee to get the loan in the first place. I managed to pay off one of the smaller loans and the other smaller loan is nearly paid off but still there. If I had the money and no debt tying me to him I would have been gone long before.

4 thoughts on “What do I do”

  1. This is a tragic situation for you to be in. Can you get a restraining order or something like that? I am unfortunately ignorant of those things. It seems like you should talk to the police or a clergyman; I think he could go to jail for domestic violence. Then you’d be safe. None of what I’m saying is really helpful. I wish I knew the answer to this. I’m glad you journaled and shared your pain with others so we can tell you we care deeply and we can pray for you. God bless your heart.

  2. Thank you for your comment. The thing is with all the things he has done to me over the years I KNOW he would go to jail if I reported it. He knows it too but he knows I won’t tell. I wish I would but I just can’t do it though as it would destroy my kids. He’s normal most of the time. It’s those very few incidents when he just changes completely his personality and acts crazily. I’ve begged him to get psychological help but this just resulted in him insisting I needed it and I went to see 2 different professionals that both told him I was normal but very depressed about the situation (which again any normal person would be). I have no family to help me and the few times I tried to talk about it with my friends it got brushed off. Now everyone complains I don’t talk enough about anything and I guess I’ve closed myself off a bit. I only work part time so can’t afford legal help and I don’t qualify for legal aid to do anything (over here that’s how you get a restraining order too through the court). I’d made myself a promise that as soon as the small amounts we owe are gone I’ll do it but they are taking forever to clear. Its just when something happens I lose all my hope to get through it.

  3. I have several questions for you to ask yourself.

    1. Do you want this to get better?
    2. Do you think that you deserve better?
    3. Do your children deserve better?
    4. Do you want your daughters to date / and or marry a man just like this?

    Here’s my own take on those questions.

    1. It WILL NOT get better until YOU take action. Clearly he’s worked it out in his head that his actions are justified for reasons x,y, and z. He needs help, but instead says you are the one that needs it?!?! I hope you know in your heart that’s not true. You BOTH need help. If he’s not willing to see fault in his actions, the only thing you can do is control your end of the situation.

    2. You deserve better. You do. No one deserves to be used as a punching bag. You’re a woman, a mother and you deserve to be treated with love. If he can’t do that than darn it, be selfish. Love yourself. It’s okay to love and care for yourself. It really really is. The path to happiness starts with caring about yourself.

    3. Of course your children deserve better. Living in the atmosphere of an abusive home creates instability and insecurity at a time in their lives when they need that to grow. Instead of being confident they are silently being victimized EVEN IF he’s never harmed a hair on their heads. Are they hearing / seeing these fights? I hate to scare you, but you can actually LOSE your children for keeping them in this household.

    4. Daughter’s of alcoholic fathers often times wind up marrying an alcoholic themselves. Daughter’s of abusive fathers often do the same. By not standing up for yourself you are setting an example of this is how a “marriage / relationship” is. Kids learn by example. For their futures sake, please think about how this will effect them when they are grown up.

    Now, having said all that. I don’t know where you live, but there are hundreds upon hundreds of organizations dedicated to helping victims of domestic abuse. They can get you hooked up with therapists to help you AND your children to recover from the emotional trauma. They can also help financially by pointing out who and where you can go to so that your bills will get paid. They will be the gate way to helping you live a better life, a life that you deserve. It’s a long road, but it’s worth it.

    If you need to talk some more, need help or anything – I’m here for you. Yes, I don’t know you… but I’ve been in your place.

  4. Thank you for your comment. I found 2 online organizations that help women in my position and that I have emailed. Sadly in the country I live there is very very little information out there and organizations that actually do help are non-existent.
    At the moment things at home have now got extremely quiet on my husbands part (as it does after every episode). I am carrying on as normal with my children, keeping up their routine, and there is zero communication between my husband and me. He is acting normal with the kids.
    I feel like I am at a brick wall. If he will not acknowledge what he does is wrong and actually get some help, then I can’t accept him as my husband. My only block now is my financial position. In this country there is such a lack in help for single mothers it’s a joke. I saw one of my friends go through a divorce and she was so lucky she had her mum to help her with her children until she was able to get some assistance from the State. I currently work only part time and our financial position was tough as it was. I messaged my dad yesterday too to tell him he needs to step up as my dad and help me in some way now that I really need it. I can’t afford a lawyer and I don’t qualify for legal aid too as I work part time.
    I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want my children thinking this is normal and to go on and do the same (whether it’s abuse or be abused).

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