Another day I’m waking up with my eyes so puffed up that there is no way I can disguise that I cried myself to sleep. The first person who saw me at the nursery today when dropping off my daughter said ‘Oh my God what happened to you’. My neck is in agony, seriously feel that my head will fall off cause it’s too heavy for my neck to support. From what google says and from what I remember after my accident I think I have whiplash this time. Would rather he just punched me in the eye and blacked it so people can see what he does to me when he’s in one of his moods.
The last time was months ago, between the last Christmas and New Years. I’d forgotten how he can be when he’s in one of his zones. He’ll be so nice and loving. Then he’ll hurt me badly and will be clear he’s not sorry for it. Last time he hit me so hard so he ruptured my ear drum. He never comes with me to the doctor after either. That was the most embarrassing day of my life. As soon as the doctor checked me he asked me who hit you so hard?
I’m a small person in build. I don’t have physical strength. I have a mouth though and if I see something wrong I try and stand up for myself as best as I can. Maybe that’s my mistake. I try not to show I get scared if someone is shouting abuse at me. Yesterday I tried to stay out of the situation by avoiding him. I knew he was in a mood from Monday. When he’s like that he shuts down. Stops being normal. Stops interacting me the kids and stops doing anything around the house. He’ll make sure the things he usually does he’ll stop so I have to do them. He’ll make a mess on purpose and will leave clothes thrown around the place. He doesn’t do that when he’s normal.
I’d told him yesterday I’d had enough of living like this. I’ve had enough of everything at home being broken and not replaced or looked after. (I’d received more than an earful when our washing machine broke and I went and got a new one – and this was after years of it making funny noises and he wouldn’t let me bring someone to check and possibly fix it). What else did he want me to do, wash everything by hand?
As I was sitting and paying bills on the computer (this was after us bickering), he threw both his shoes at me with such a force that when they banged on the wall my daughter came running it. They only just missed me so I got up and left to the other room. I knew he was seeing red whatever I’d say or do. I only went back in the room when my daughter was complaining she was hungry so I had to go and make something for her. I didn’t say a word to him. And he still came at me. He kept shouting abuse at me (I kept my head down looking at what I was making) but he was so close and shouting so much in my ear that his spit was going on me. When he wouldn’t stop I turned my back on him to leave as I knew what was coming. I should never have turned my back on him. He got me in a head lock and dragged me to the living room where he threw me on the couch. From there he grabbed me again and threw me on the floor like I was a rag doll. I don’t think I ever felt more helpless as at least if he was hitting me I’d try to hit or kick back to get myself free. Only when my daughter appeared he let me escape to the other room where I stayed for the rest of the night with my daughter. I didn’t call the cops again. I feel like such a failure. I wish he would leave but he never will. He said today that I’m lucky my daughter appeared when she did otherwise he wouldn’t have stopped and that I got off lightly. I need to get out but I don’t know how or who to turn to. Other times I’d tried to leave and had confided in people they’d always talk me out of it. But I can’t do this anymore. He’s said it himself that in those moments he has no control on himself and even scares himself that he wants to kill me or hurt me real bad. And I would die if my kids grow up thinking it’s ok to do or accept this kind of behavior.
We owe a lot of money to the banks, that I know he won’t pay if I leave and then not only would I risk losing our home but my mother’s home too as it was used as a guarantee to get the loan in the first place. I managed to pay off one of the smaller loans and the other smaller loan is nearly paid off but still there. If I had the money and no debt tying me to him I would have been gone long before.