Welcome, no one, to my overly dramatic rant about my poor decision making skills and general instability and insecurity. I don’t even know why the hell I made the decision to write this, but I can’t bring myself to regret it.
I didn’t cry because I liked him. In fact, i’m not even sure if I ever seen him as more than a close friend: a really shit, flirty, arse of a friend but a friend nonetheless. I cried for our friendship and how, with the confusion I was feeling, it might never go back to the way it was. I cried for the fantasies and false pretense that I’d created in my mind without even realising and the suffocating ache I feel without knowing why. I cried for the confusion I felt and still feel a little over a situation that shouldn’t even be confusing in the first place. The thing that upset me the most was that I was confused enough to cry at all. Does that give the whole situation credibility or does it just make me even more pitiful?
I think we can get through this. I really do. Even after the endless mood swings I’ve had and the frustrating I’ve felt over some unknown thing, I really think that we’ll be okay. I can deal with being the agony aunt friend. I seem to have done it with any guy I’ve ever known. I’m the girl who’s never had a relationship that everyone comes to for relationship advice for some strange, fucked up reason. The 20-something artist virgin that gets too emotional but is the “awesome friend”. The sad thing is that it doesn’t bother me as much as it should. Until the right guy comes along, or at least a decent guy, there’s no point in stressing about something I can’t change. So i’ll just continue like this and try not to fuck up my last year at uni, cause that would really be sad.
I do realise that it’s very unlikely that anyone will ever read this, but if some some reason you did and you’re still here then thanks, I guess. I promise that i’m not some fucked up girl that people stay away from. I’m just your average sarcastic British girl, trying to get through the week without causing drama, avoiding drinking myself into a stupor and avoiding drunk texting. I also happen to just be extremely over dramatic, but that’s just a plus to add to the endless other positive qualities that I own.
Also, I really don’t hate myself as much as I must seem to in this; I just needed a good rant.
Until next time,