I finally thought about writing a public journal because it seems to help when there are people seemingly reading your journal. Makes you feel less alone?
I’m someone who is learning to live with a mental condition and getting help for it. I left a relationship of 2 and a half years in order to focus on my well being and it has greatly back-lashed. I won’t get into details of it but I never planned on breaking up with him for good? I don’t know, this makes so little sense yet hurts so much. Now he is gone and there is nothing I can do about it.
It would hurt less if he wasn’t such a good match for me and yes, I know, I could find someone new and live with them and I have been in multiple relationships before but I never felt so zen being with someone. I made a joke when we broke up that “If we get back together I will have to marry you” but it wasn’t as much of a joke than I let it seem. As much as I loathed him being immature – the times when we clicked we worked like magic and our feelings were strong. Now that it’s all over I feel very conflicted about the whole situation. He has someone now that probably has a lot more mental stability than me and I am glad, yet I feel like a teenager crushing over a boy who is in a relationship.
It’s sad to know that I am to blame for everything because even thought my best friend keeps telling me that “even people who have mental issues deserve love” I dug the hole for myself to fall into and denied myself of love.
This text is a mess.
I want to be friends with him because we have so much in common but yesterday he contacted me and talked to me about life and his physical well-being. I was starting to feel a bit less anxious about the whole him-having-someone-who-isn’t-me thing but that just brought everything back. I told him that I will back off for a while but he just didn’t listen =(.
So today has been nervous and anxious. I barely have an appetite and I have been fidgeting a lot. I also have been unable to focus on anything because my brain has been occupied with random shit. I am also recovering from laryngitis (which has to do with my lack of an appetite) and am losing weight (this appetite thing seems to be working well).
I’ve been at home today, thinking of starting to use a better calendar-To-do list than some shitty google calendar.
That is it for now, I’ll try to update every day if and when I can even if nobody is reading this.