24 September- While third wheeling with my best friend and her Boyfriend, she decides to get a male perspective on my situation, and of course when you speak of the devil he appears. My phone begins to vibrate and there his photo appears. I don’t even want to look at it, never in my life have i felt such a disappointment, its a strange new feeling when, it shows i care but i hate the backfire and now my walls are back up …once again.
Of course my best friend decides to pick up the phone, and then i hear his voice and i can’t help but get annoyed at it. Its strange how everything you love about the person becomes the worst things in the world in an instant. I decided to speak to him but i zoned out, the whole time i wanted to get off the phone, i couldn’t make eye contact and everything he said went in one ear and out the other. It was probably the shortest conversation ever, somewhere in there i heard that he was in my state just some hours away but i didn’t want to hear it, so i made up some petty excuse that i was with my friends and i needed to go quickly. When i got to the table My Best Friend could see the i wasn’t all there anymore and apologised but either way i didn’t blame her, it wasn’t her fault and my boyfriend had to see that i wasn’t happy.
When i review the whole situation it sounds stupid and silly, almost childish but for me to open up just a little is a big deal and for him to get me all giddy and then not even message to tell me he is okay, (and whats worse is that i saw he had internet and he didn’t even message me back) it was a big slap in the face. That night i messaged him that i would talk the next day but i couldn’t, i was still so hurt, but in the afternoon I called. He was at his mates house and i didn’t feel like having an argument and ruining his time so i simply told him i would call him, its 5 days later, and i still haven’t called. And he hasn’t care to even message.
During this time i have reflected back and I’m not sure i want this, or if its worth it. It doesn’t feel right at all and throughout this time i haven’t missed him like i should, or at all really. Its scary that i know so early but I’ve never broken anyones heart before, i keep telling myself to see it through, see where it takes me but why prolong the pain?
He isn’t right for me and I’m not right for him. Things have never been so clear.