Here & Now

It’s been a while since i have come on the site. Unfortunately since the last time i wrote, i have relapsed in terms of my night time fag habit. Gosh, when i finally do kick it for good, it will most definitely be the hardest habit I’ve ever had to break.

The thing is, the night time fag isn’t just about satisfying a craving to me. Those who have read my journals will be aware that i have battled a sleep disorder most of my life. The bedtime fag is basically my sleeping pill; it has a huge influence on my sleep cycle which is unfortunately very delicate. I did feel a little disappointed with myself after i gave in. But in the end i decided that one temporary failure wouldn’t stop me on my overall plan to make each day count towards achieving my end goals.

I recently wrote about a booklet i read that in short highlighted the importance of being realistic when setting targets. Although i have failed to eliminate my bedtime fag habit i have been working on others that i highlighted when doing the exercise suggested in the booklet. These are working out great for me and I’m feeling very optimistic about my journey so far.

Firstly I have recently started using dance as a form of exercise. I am now in the process of self teaching zumba so i can incorporate it into my workouts. Wow the buzz of getting my heart pumping hard and feeling like I’m reaching that peak where i can’t do no more is both empowering and exhilarating. The more i do it, the more i love it! I am even starting to like the pain that comes after an intense workout. As my ex (currently separated) partner would say “feel the burn and love it anyway”. I have also found it is really helping me with my mental thought process. Those that have read my previous posts will know i have struggled with negative flashbacks for some time. They are still there but less frequent since i started working out 🙂 it’s amazing.

Secondly I’m taking on the mother of my problems head on… Sleep. I refuse to back down and will make it better even if i spend the next 6 months in a zombie like state! I am currently on day 2 (again), feeling good although i didn’t sleep well last night and was up early when my alarm went off. My eyelids felt like heavy blankets that were desperately trying to close me of from the world. But i didn’t give in this time! Lol i sound so poetic about it, if that’s even the right word. But i can’t express enough that the struggle is real.

So here’s my plan.. for the next month i will be as strict as an army cadet when it comes to the time i rise in the morning and the time i go to sleep at night. I will use my workouts to zap the tensions and keep my energy levels up. I am hoping that if i remain strict and disciplined i will finally produce a natural pattern. I am also making a mental note; when a family member says ten minutes before my ‘bedtime’, you have to watch the end of the film! I will remember that i am not a normal person that can afford to do that and think nothing of it. I’m hoping maybe one day it won’t matter but right now it does! Accept it! Here’s a big thumbs up to making small changes that, with some determination, will have a big impact 🙂

I guess i should also mention that tomorrow it is officially a whole year since the day i saw my dear uncle pass from cancer. I refuse to be sad. He wouldn’t want to see me dwell on negative emotions. In fact i have been thinking that he probably knows more about me now than he ever has. He probably sees my whole life and is thinking how is my lovely, intelligent niece living this way? I agree uncle. I will change. You motivate me. I want to shine as bright as you told me i could. I want to be happy and make you proud. I will pray for you tomorrow and i hope my prayers and blessing reach you, wrapped up like beautiful gifts. I will feel in my heart the warmth of your smile when the angels place our blessings in your hands.


3 thoughts on “Here & Now”

  1. That is so beautiful about your Uncle. What a wonderful man. Yes, you can be a shining light, and he will know it and be proud.
    Your work-out sounds great. Do keep it up. Keep journaling! And good sleep and sweet dreams to you. If you need help falling asleep, mentally recite something you have memorized that is calming. When you get to the end, start over, until you just fade out. If you don’t have a good idea, try Psalm 23. Or even something shorter will do. Like, “You are the light of the world. Let your light shine so that others may see your good works and give glory to your Father in Heaven.” Shine on, Baby!

  2. I have sleep isues as well, have you ever considered meditating. It works for me, thing is you have to do it every night, in a week or two you will notice a change. Go to youtube and look for guided meditation by Jason Stevenson. There are others but i like Jason the best. He also does guided imagery meditation which is awesome. Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it. It works best using head phones. Good luck!

  3. Thankyou for your uplifting comment savedbygrace sending you love, I do pray before bed, it comes as second nature and is usually the last words I speak before trying to sleep. I shall give praying until I fade out a try 🙂

    Midnight70 I tried meditation for the first time this year and most definitely found it helpful. Not so much for my sleep but definitely to calm my anxiety. Thankyou for your recommendations, I will check them out x

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