I don’t . I don’t know what the purpose of this journal is anymore. It helps to get a lot of shit off my mind. And I make them public because it’s my own way of posting it and sharing it with people, which is what I want. I’m a people person, I need conversation. But I can’t talk with my friends or family about any of this, so I feel like it helps to make it public. Like if I’m talking to you, and sharing my side and my “incidents”.
Anyway, I just need to get this off my chest. We had a disagreement and it was the worst. This semester, the first month has concluded, and it’s only going to get more and more busier for me as I head into midterms and then finals. I’ve got a full packed schedule and I am so busy I haven’t had time for him. He’s gotten very upset about it. Lately, he’s so cold, so distant, and so mean to me. I haven’t had sex with him for almost two weeks now, I thought it was less time but I didn’t even realize it was closer to two weeks. In my mind it was a week ago, but he let me know just how long. And with Ramsay, that’s pushing it, he demands a lot of physical contact, to be less crude, daily. But ever since we’ve had our conversation, I feel so awkward around him. I can’t relax around him, he makes me uneasy and nervous. I don’t know why. I guess its the knowledge that he’s a full fledged diagnosed psychopath. And I’ve come to learn that he’s been diagnosed as a psychopath several times, from different specialists. He shared with me, how he’s paid extra and privately to secure more ‘specialists’ in order to get a different ‘billing’ to no success. So I guess I’m just uneasy about that. It makes me nervous being around him now. So I have successfully used school and homework to avoid him. Today I had my last class end at 2:30Pm so I was so happy and relieved to go home, I just wanted to go home , eat and relax . When I headed in I saw Ramsay laying on my couch with a pillow over his head. I was surprised to see him there and when I asked him what he was doing there he just stared at me very coldly. After a moment of silence he just said “it’s the only fucking way I get to see you nowadays”. I just remember getting very nervous and getting tense. He sat up by now and he was angry so he demanded me to sit on the couch facing him. I’ve learned to avoid angering him when he’s in a particular mood, so I try my best to do what he says. We start arguing because he demands to know why I’m not answering his calls or replying to his texts, he tells me he’s angered by the fact that I don’t include him anymore. He asked me “are you fucking someone else?” and I laughed when he said that. I have a nervous jitter so I usually do a nervous laugh. That made him angrier. I told him that I was just nervous, and that I would never be with anyone else, that I’ve only ever been with him, and that I love him, and I belong to him. I was just trying my best to pacify him because I didn’t want him to get into a rage, I knew he’d end up hurting me if he did. He asked me “why do I make you nervous?” and I felt my heart drop when he asked that. It just scared me, the way he said it. sitting across from him, trying to keep calm, and I said “you don’t make me nervous, I’m just tired from school”. He stared at me quietly for like 5 minutes, complete fucking silence. I started to cry because I just had that familiar feeling that he wanted violence. he saw me cry and he said “anette, i have an uncanny nack for getting exactly what I want”. i got up to leave and he told me very calmly but very sternly to sit down. I immediately fell down and sat back. He told me to close my eyes and that he was going to tell me a story. i asked him why did I have to close my eyes and he said he wanted me to picture it. so i did. and he preceded to tell me a story about something that happened to him when he was eighteen years old and living in montreal. I’m not going to repeat this story because it is wrong, and I don’t want to be held accountable for anything that shouldn’t be said ever again. what i will say is that he ended the story with . . . “like her, i’m going to help you stop being so weak”. i started to tear up again from fear. he motioned for me to come sit on his lap, but i just didn’t move. so he got up, walked to towards me and kneeled infront of me. he told me that if he ever found out that i was fucking someone else behind his back, that he would kill me, and my body would never be found. but he said , that if i belong to him and only him that he would make me his. he asked me if i would live for him and be his and only his and i said of course, and i told him that i loved him with all my heart and soul. i told him that if i didn’t love him that i wouldn’t have still been there with him. and he then told me “stop being so fucking afraid of me, your fear, i can smell it, and it’s not sweet like your cunt, fear smells sour’. he was being crude on purpose. we talked a lot more, but i don’t want to share this part. but he told me to not be afraid of him, that he was perfectly self controlled, but that he would never tolerate betrayal. he then said ‘you ask me if i love you. i want to learn to love you but i don’t know how’. and he shared a lot of his emotional side, which i will also not share. he knew i was afraid of him because of what he told me, of his background, his family, his diagnosed psychopathy. essentially he was just telling me that he already knew i had become afraid of him and i was avoiding him on purpose, and that i was talking to a male friend a lot recently and that we’ve had lunch together this whole week (at school). the truth is that i was flirting with him and texting him. he knew about it, i don’t know how, but he knew. then things took a completely completely completely left turn. he told me that he was going to ask me a question, and depending on that question i would have two options, to either continue my school and graduate and get a career and fulfill all of my academic ambitions, or i could choose to be with him. at first, i didn’t understand because in my mind here i am and i’m doing both. but he , still kneeling in front of me, pulled out a small black box from his pocket and i, for lack of a better expression ‘shit myself’. lol i know, but , i know. he asked me if i wanted to marry him. he said “you are the only person i’ve ever learned to care for, you’re important to me. and i want you forever. will you marry me?” i cried the minute i saw that box. omggggggggg of course i cried, when don’t i cry? lol but he then told me ‘do not make this decision foolishly. it’s choosing between two life choices, and if you want your life then you can do so this minute and i will never interrupt your life again. but if you choose to be mine, i will love you.’ i’m still crying thinking about it. what did i say? i said yes, yes, yes, yes, i love you more than i have ever loved anyone in my entire life. and I do, I love him more than anything in this world.
and i am absolutely ecstatic right now, but in the back of my mind i am sad. because i’ve made this decision behind my parents back and i haven’t included them or their opinion. also, because my parents were set on me graduating and starting my own career. it just serves as another example of how distant and excluded i’ve been towards my entire family. and my friends. i’m also sad because i have to quit my school now. and the particular university i am studying at is an extremely selective and private institution. it rivals MIT even from california, they are rivals. and I worked endlessly hard to get high marks in order to be accepted into the school, and especially hard to be accepted into the engineering program. but i also realize that if i were to have said no, i would never ever see him again.and ultimately later in life, i would want to be married and a family, not just a career, it would never fulfill me as a woman. i guess I’m writing this down because I’m getting ready to have to share this with my family sometime this week. I know they’re going to be disappointed in me. but like, Emily Dickinson said, the heart wants what it wants.