This month my soul is yearning for…
My soul is yearning for so much – peace, forgiveness, happiness, dependability to name the major ones. I have had a turbulent year, I have done some soul searching and luckily have incredible family and friends that have picked me up when I have fallen. The days they couldn’t pick me up they have laid beside me and cried, and for that I am eternally grateful.
For the first time in my adult life I am facing my inner “demons”. I am not using sex or men to band aid the pain, I am not hiding my feelings or replacing the hurt with someone who can make me happy for the moment. It sounds ridiculously corny and cliché but for the first time I am feeling the pain, I am letting the tears come. When I feel insanely depressed or empty I don’t just call someone to fuck or keep myself preoccupied by a man, I sit there and cry, write, talk to M about it. It’s hard, it’s probably the hardest thing I have ever done…I do however have to acknowledge that I am in an interesting position right now. I am 28, and I have a chance to recreate my life, it doesn’t have to be a life I settled for, I have a place to live where I can figure out what I want to do and how to best achieve it. I am getting a second chance at life.
In order to get this second chance though I have to forgive myself, it’s funny, I talked to my mother the other day about how I feel like I am drowning every day of my life, I feel like I am suffocating in my choices. My mother isn’t always the most empathetic person but she actually listened and tried to understand, she said something really important to me “ Steph everyone has already forgiven you for your mistakes, you have to forgive yourself…do you want me to take you out back and beat you a bit so you feel ‘punished’ hahaha” It’s something I hear quite often from my friends and my therapist…My therapist often asks “who did you kill?! You talk like you’ve murdered someone when you talk about yourself.” I don’t know how to forgive myself because I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel yet. I think when I start to climb out of the hole I have dug for myself I will finally start to forgive and see that the choices I have made are not detrimental.
I need to find peace with myself, peace with my choices…I need to be able to tell my story without crying. I often cry while writing these journal entries because it stirs up so much emotion. I don’t like people to see me cry and very few have so it’s weird to me to be so vulnerable with my entries.
I am yearning for a time where I can sit in silence and not cry, when I can look at my life and feel okay about my choices and although they may not have been the best choices they ultimately brought me to where I am and I have to learn how to accept that everything will eventually make sense.
*If you can tell your story without crying, you have begun to heal*