Things are just getting worse and worse. I feel so horrific. I’ve heard and seen my mum sob her heart out twice today, then had to take Harry away from her yelling badly at my dad. My dad is so upset he’s just taken all his tablets and gone to bed. Harry hasn’t had a nap all day, but it meant he went down around 7:30pm. It took a while, but he’s given into the exhaustion. I’ve put his things into wash, cleaned out one of his toy boxes and some toys, cleaned his high chair and cleaned the floors. Now my mind is over thinking and over working itself as it usually does. It gives me an actual headache and I really don’t want to think anymore, it’s just too hard and too painful.
I’m so close to breaking. I could just do it- cut myself, end my life. I honestly have thought about it most of today. It could all just be over and I don’t have to think again, I don’t have to live as the awful demon I am. Why don’t I ever just give up?
But then I realise I’ve gone through this question in stages of my life like now and I never did give up and now I have Harry, a beautiful baby. All I’ve been saying to myself today is I’m ruining Harry’s life, that it’s better in the long run that I disappear out of his life, he won’t remember me. I’m just doing what I usually do though, predicting complete failure and falling into the deepest despair about it when it may not even happen. Yet I feel the despair already as if it will happen and that’s what can often cause it to happen and fall apart! Too many times in my life I’ve ruined everything by assuming it will all be ruined. I make it all come crashing down in the belief that that is what’s going to happen. I can’t seem to sit with the worry, fear and struggle.
Who could have seen Harry coming? That should tell me something. We just don’t know what will happen. Harry has changed my life for the better. Nothing’s forever either. This rough patch will pass if I stick with it and work through it. Harry is a beautiful baby and I’m so lucky how healthy he’s turned out to be. Toddler stage is difficult. The situation me and my parents are in is difficult. But Harry is still ok. Things change and can get better, it’ll be alright.