I got an text from my sister’s teacher today. She said to talk to her about being honest and putting 100% effort into her work consistently. I haven’t seen Kaede’s face in two months, and I’m not sure how her grades are right now, but it doesn’t look good. Sometimes I really get tired of always being expected to take responsibility for her, for always cleaning up her mistakes while she gets to make an endless plethora of them. I wish I had someone to pick up my mistakes, I wish I could make mistakes and have it be okay. But in a ways, I can’t. I bite my tongue and keep doing the same thing over and over in hopes that she doesn’t become like me. I pray she never becomes like me. I don’t want her trapped in the education system because she doesn’t know how to do anything else, without any interests or goals in life. I hope she becomes much more assertive than me, and figures out what she wants to do with her life way before I do . . . if I do.
When I read the message, I almost felt like she was talking about me, and not my sister. Like the failing History class and the barely passing English classes were all looming over me. I was barely passing a lot of my classes actually. I haven’t studied a lick since being on campus but it feels like everyone else does nothing but study . . .at least that’s what they keep saying.
I’m still feeling really down these days. I’m not sure if it’s depression or school or loneliness or homesickness or awkwardness . . . or maybe a combination of all of those things. It still just doesn’t feel right, but I don’t want to tell anyone that I’ve made a mistake. I still feel like I’m not suppose to be in school, but I don’t have any other plan or vague idea of what I could do, and I wouldn’t do well on my own. Maybe I will set up an appointment at the counseling center, I’m not sure what else will happen if I don’t feel better fast.