7th September ’16
I’m 22 years old and I’m sat in my basement. 30 seconds ago I decided I had ripped too many pages out and it was actually time to use this document for its intended purpose.
I tried to write some love poems but sounded like a pretentious twat on them all. I don’t know if I’ve figured myself out or if I’m still doing so. Tonight I want to fill my lungs with smoke. Why does it feel so good? well? Oh god I’m so high.
I’m in this ugly but totally liberating part of my life. The patch where I’ve almost failed my degree but has resulted in this great loss of responsibility. It’s got to my head to say the least. What’s going on up there, well not a lot. Work is becoming a drag. No one gets me, I can no longer be bothered to hide my disapproval for the backwards way of thinking so many people seem to possess. I don’t want to be miserable but its 90% of who I am. I never thought I’d love old people enough to deal with their bums out all day.
I watched a show about a woman who worked in a sloth sanctuary. Animals are a gift from the universe. I hate mankind. The birds sound so ugly when you haven’t slept. Fridge is empty and food is overpriced. Can’t afford to go out. Or stay in. My goldfish hasn’t been okay, far too much floating, he is swimming now. Keeping my flat tidy has felt like a mission from NASA. Can’t believe they didn’t give me the job I emailed them about.
Meeting this girl, it’s pretty good. Can’t decide if the reason my pulse goes so fast is because I’m falling or because relationships make me anxious. I make sure my lips and tongue have covered as much of her body as possible.
I want to be social but not have to socialise. My mum used to tell me bad people exist. I should have taken you seriously. I want to be a hero to some story but I’m just here walking the same streets. Maybe all this will pass and this cloud will go. It’s all raining over this head. I haven’t had a bath in a while.
Maybe I’ll be one of those people who gets their shit together, just not yet. Always ‘not yet’. I have work tomorrow. don’t want to do this. And I’ve masturbated far too much today.
Bye for now.
I’m back thoughts are spiraling out of control. This room is way too warm. I love the smell of some peoples sweat. I’ve got too many holes in my trousers. I’m so uninteresting. I have too many old glasses in this room. I keep looking at materialistic things. That’s all we do, waste our lives working to buy shit we don’t need. Who are we really keeping up with though, really? My favorite color is orange.
I’ve just had to most depressing moment. Remembered I had some Ben and Jerry’s and decided I wanted it enough to leave my room. Got to the freezer and it had all frosted over. Sat there with a knife chipping away,cut my knuckle on the ice. Blood is everywhere and I’m sat on the kitchen floor in underwear in a pile of melted ice. Went and boiled the kettle and defrosted the door. With great force I got it open. Got the tub out, opened it and the ice cream was slush. It looked gone off. I sat on the counter and ate peanut butter out the jar. Every time I sleep I think I can hear footsteps. Then it sounds inside my head and am I going insane.