I love you…

Autumn was our favourite season. We loved waking up to crisp mornings entangled in each others bodies as we were woven between the sheets that held the warmth from our bodies. We loved having morning coffee and having hot chocolate in the evenings. We loved cinnamon, almond butter, dark chocolate and so much more. We loved each other in that weird platonic yet romantic way. I think deep down both of us knew that we didn’t fit into either ‘category’ but we were happy with that. We both knew that we loved each other in that strange way of ours. It was ours… Our way of living, loving, breathing…

I remember the little things you’d say to me that would send me into a fit of jumbled up words spewing from my mouth and cause different shades of pinks and reds to settle on my cheeks. You’d smile that gorgeous smile of yours with those breathtaking eyes and your beautiful face glowing as if the sun had taken over your body. And I knew it. I knew I loved you. I was confused as to whether it was normal to love you like that because I’ll never know if I wanted more than an un-biological sibling, a best friend. I wanted to reach out and hold you, pull you towards me and kiss you, hug you… I wanted us to meld together. I wanted to feel you close to me because you were the one thing that kept me alive. You kept me going when I was prepared to give up. I’d come to you crying and screaming and you’d let my tears soak into your jumper and you’d hold me until I was feeling better. You’d rub tiny circles on my back and tell me little things to distract me.


I love how we play piano and sing together. I love how your pinky finger doesn’t straighten out all the way, how your eyes are a mixture of colours, how you’re you… I love you for what you are. You’re prettiest when you don’t do your hair, when you have put in no effort.. I love the you that stands honest naked in front of that petrifying monster that haunts your dreams, that lives in your head instead of under your bed. The you who makes the most of everything, who tries so hard to smile even though you carry so much pain. And trust me, I know how you feel, I am here, we are here for each other….

I remember how you’d hold my hand when we watched tense scenes in movies on your 11” macbook air huddled up in the corner sitting at your desk. I remember you buying bracelets, gold for me, silver for you. They were dreamcatchers… We used to mutter between each other, ‘you’re adopted, this is normal’ every time we went out with one of our families. We’d act like siblings because that is what we wanted so so badly…

We’d make plans over the phone in August late one summer night. We spoke about silly things we wanted to do – share a bed, have alcohol, have a cigarette, get me to try candyfloss…. We wanted to rent a flat in London and travel around the world. That’s one of my most favourite phone calls I’ve had with you. It’s one of my favourites because that was a crappy day for me but you suddenly made everything amazing you took away my pain, drew out my tears, inspired me and filled me with warmth and happiness. The emotions only you could ever give me.

So, my dearest fellow human…
I love you, you are mine, I am yours. You are my lifeline, I am your lifeline. We trust each other. I know you won’t let me down. You are like glue,…you hold my little pieces together and I could never thank you enough….

You never deserved this pain. You deserve and infinite amount of things that I could never give you. But I know you think I’m enough. And let me tell you, you are enough, more than enough for me.

I love you ‘from here’…

I will never in my life utter the horrifying words ‘to here’.

Written by: Me
Image: Not mine.

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