I’ll tear you down, I’ll make you bleed

We have neighbours that we haven’t spoken with in years who actually came round to the house yesterday to meet Harry, I thought it was really nice. My mum was obviously friends with this lady and she had two daughters too. All four of us would play together all the time and we all went to the same school. Obviously when the four of us grew up and went to different colleges and things we all didn’t really talk anymore. The eldest sister came round to our house with her mum obviously and they really loved seeing Harry. They even had bought him a present. Harry was walking around doing his own thing and smiling loads thank goodness! I love it when people say how beautiful and happy Harry looks, it boosts my confidence for a while. I think maybe I’m not doing such an awful job, maybe things are ok.

Today I haven’t felt ok but I’m trying to think of when our neighbours visited us for the first time in years the other day and they were really impressed by Harry and maybe it’s not all that bad. I always seem to think everything is ruined and beyond being able to be alright again.

I’m honestly really struggling with the whole I’m a terrible person thing, I honestly am one…or rather I honestly have done some terrible things in my life and these things are haunting me far too much. I think about these things all the time and I can’t seem to put them out of my mind. I get so caught up in them I almost lose my awareness and I end up doing something really strange like trying to put hand cream on my toothbrush because my mind is so distracted and emotional. My most upsetting emotion is anger, I’m experiencing horrendously strong anger, and I absolutely hate it. I get so angry towards people I play out violent scenarios in my head and I try so hard to snap my mind out of itself but it just… won’t listen to me, it does what it wants to do almost to the point I feel like it’s a different person, like there’s another person living in my head. It’s almost like my mind and the real me are separate but I know that statement makes no sense whatsoever. I think I’m the only one who knows what I mean.

I really am a bad person and I’m not saying that because I want people to say I’m a good person, I’m saying it because I’ve done really bad things and my conscience is weighing far too heavily on me. I just don’t know what to do, I can’t take anything back. When I get to this point where I’m feeling so guilty I’m struggling to carry on I shut myself off from people so there’s no possibility of me making anything a million times worse.

I am so upset about this anger I’m feeling, I hate it, I don’t know what to do to deal with it! Self harm was a great release but came at a price that I know isn’t worth paying anymore. Harry saved me from that and I know one of the best things I can do despite feeling so guilty is to never go back to the self harm or abusing lorazepam and sleeping tablets. I don’t know what else to do or anything but never going back to self harm is one of the things that I must stick to. Self harm will make things a million times worse.

The anger I feel though is crippling. I want it to go away. I don’t want to be a bad person. I’m sick of obsessing about it all the time. That’s why I call myself rebel demon… I know it is said people can be tired of being the good one, but I also think it can be the other way round! I’m a rebel demon because I’m sick of being the bad one, this demon wants to be the nice one for a change. This demon wants to give up being awful and horrible.

3 thoughts on “I’ll tear you down, I’ll make you bleed”

  1. I definitely feel upset and sad first…by things somebody else has done that I find really hurtful, so the violent scenarios in my head are against the people who have upset me…yeah I know what you mean there, I do feel extremely hurt and upset first. I’m never just angry for the sake of it, there’s always a reason.

  2. We’ve all done crazy, stupid or horrible things.. Jeez the list of things I’ve done certainly wouldn’t get me through the pearly gates and to be fair I don’t think there isn’t a day that goes by where I dont get smacked in the brain with a horrible memory of something bad ive done and no amount of telling myself “shut up woman that was forever ago” will make myself stop feeling guilty.
    I’m not going to tell you that your an amazing person (even tho to be fair you do seem it) I am going to tell you its normal to be angry and sometimes you can’t control your own brain but that’s ok, maybe thats just the way you deal with your emotions in your own head (I know I do).
    But don’t ever doubt yourself with your little boy you are an amazing mum and I bet the way he smiles at you every morning tells you that better than I ever could 🙂 chin up sweets you’re rocking it! X

  3. It’s true when others say they’ve felt how you felt, they’ve been where you’ve been. I use to think I was a monster on the inside. All of the bad things I’d done ate away at me until I believed that I was an appalling demon in human form. Guilt consumed me. It swallowed me whole.

    Then… I figured it out. Life goes on. I needed to be a jerk first so that I could morph into a better person, some one I could stand being. Have I made retribution for all the terrible things I’ve said and done? Nope. But I have moved on. I wear optimism on my sleeve and I’m hoping that my good actions will cancel out the bad.

    There was this senator in the state I grew up in. He got drunk one night and was driving with a chick in the car. He crashed the car into a river, got out, but didn’t rescue the woman. He got away with this because of his famous family. People call him a murder. He ended up using his pull as a senator to do some really good, amazing things for others. He went to bat for soldiers, demanded they receive proper care, housing, etc. So to a lot of people he is a good man that did a bad thing. I think the guilt from this woman’s death inspired him.

    So, screw the past. Live today. You can not change your past. You can change your future.

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