my current state

I got quite a bit done yesterday even though I had to be gone all day until 3. My upstairs is still a disaster, but I’ll have to deal with that next week. We only have 3 days this week, but it will be tough. We have practice Monday and Tuesday and a game Wednesday, so I will be putting in 12 or more hour days. I have paid most of my bills for the month. I will pay the house payment with my check on the 15th. I still owe the phone and cable, too. Water, electric, city bill, car, and credit card have been paid. I still need to pay Noah back what I owe him. Maybe I can make it this check to the next check without going in the hole. If so, it will be the first time in like 5 checks. 

I am so dissatisfied with my life. I just don’t know what to do about it. I am so frustrated that things did not go the way I had hoped with Brent. I will never understand that. Ever. I just have to let it go, though. I have to focus on what I can control. I have been watching a lot of Star Trek the last couple months. It is so comforting and steady to me. Like having a friend. I want to strive to be healthy and happy alone like Jean-Luc Picard. He is perfectly content to live alone and pursue his own interests and not worry about not having someone in his life. That is what I have to do. I am likely better off without those “friends” that I had. They did not lift me up in any way. They encouraged me to drink too much and waste time and money. I have to admit it does hurt my feelings to be excluded, but I am too old to behave like that, anyway. Drinking has never served any purpose but leaving me steeping in regret. Most of my most hated moments were alcohol-induced. 

2016 has been a complete bust for me. I need to just ride it out this last quarter and spend my time planning who I would like to be in 2017. I will continue to work hard at my job and try to keep my head above water at home. In 10 more years I will be 56, and I will be retired, and all the animals should be dead by then. Noah should be out of the house and working and taking care of himself by then. Maybe that’s when I can get the condo I fantasize about. I don’t see any reason for it to be here, though. Noah will likely never leave here, and Bethany wants to come back here at some point. I don’t have to stay here, though. I need to bide my time until I make it through what is necessary. 

I just got back from walking the dogs. I have been thinking about my situation as I was walking. I wonder if I just don’t belong here. I just don’t seem to fit in. My former so-called friends really didn’t see the world as I do. The question then would be, do I fit in anywhere? I have been working on the idea that I cannot leave my current place because of my retirement account. However, in reality, if my life is so bad right now that I have spent hours and hours over the past year thinking about killing myself, is my retirement account really an issue? Maybe trying to find a way to live- a place to live that makes me want to live is more important than whether or not I fuck up my retirement account. 

A girl I taught with last year moved to Brooklyn and is teaching there this year. I think moving north might be a good thing for me. I might be more likely to find friends outside of the bible belt. 

Okay. It’s 6:06 pm now. I told Noah that Blackie has to go. She is ruining my house. He says if she goes, he goes. That means they are both moving to Brent’s (maybe). Noah also wants to take John with him. If this really happened, my household would be cut in two instantly. We would go from two people, two dogs, and two cats to half as many. If I give Ben up, that would be down to just Sophie and me. That would open up lots of possibilities for me. I sent Christine a FB message, but I haven’t heard back from her. If she would be happy about me coming there, it would make the possibility much more realistic. I would have someone to help me navigate the system. I would take Sophie there with me, but Ben would have to go somewhere. I wish Bethany had wanted him. Talk about an entirely new life! Wow. If I moved there with only a cat. Now that would be a big change. I need to talk to someone at the kentucky teacher retirement place. If new york can’t happen, then I could at least move to Kenton County and live in Cincinnati. I don’t know how much better that would actually be. I don’t think very much of Cincinnati. It seems very blue collar to me. But I do already know someone there, and it would be a fresh start even if it’s not New York. 


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