3 ways to win your heart…
This entry is an interesting one for me, a year ago I would have easily listed ways to win my heart, they would have been simple
- Make me laugh
- Never lie to me
- Treat my friends and family as you would yours
The story right now is very different, it’s sad to say but right now there is no way to win my heart. My heart is so closed off and protected I swear prince charming could walk into the room and I wouldn’t believe a word he said to me. I have struggled with this for awhile and finally spoke with M about it the other night. My biggest fear right now is that I could meet the most incredible man and he could be everything I want and more but right now I wouldn’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth, nor would I let him anywhere near my vulnerabilities.
A few months ago I would have said:
- Be consistent
- Be honest
- Make me laugh
Right now even consistency isn’t believable. A man could do and say all the right things and I can’t believe he’s being genuine. It’s hard because I never had trust issues like that before, I had men lie to me, my Ex husband is an alcoholic he used to lie to me about everything. Where he was, if he drank, traffic, money but he never lied about his intentions with me. I had always had a little bit of trust to give because at the end of the day they were lies that could be proven. They were concrete.
Fast forward to most recent, T…He did more damage to me emotionally than an abusive, alcoholic ex husband did. Shocking, even to me but I will explain how. When I met T I let him know straight up I had a lot on my plate, I explained I wasn’t ready for a relationship, I gave him full disclosure of my weakest points. He is actually the only man who I ever was so open and honest with. I told him about my past, my issues that I am in therapy for, even the fact that I often use sex to deal with my emotions, something I have never told any other man before. (it’s not exactly my most redeeming quality that I use men for sex to fill emotional voids). For the first time in my life I bared my soul to someone. Part of it is my fault for doing that but I do place some blame on him, he played the part so well. He convinced me it was okay, he was very good at making me feel like I could trust him. Well, he used it all against me, maybe not intentionally but he did. He betrayed everything, I asked him to never say or promise anything he couldn’t follow through on, actually when we first started talking I was going to use him for sex just like all the rest of the men to be honest. He said something really sweet and I told him he doesn’t have to be sweet, I already decided I wanted sex so he didn’t have to saying anything to get me to bed. My mind was made up, all I asked of him was that he not make false promises, my heart was just too fragile for that. I wanted just sex nothing more, he begged me for more, he fought tooth and nail for me to let him in.
As soon as I dropped my walls everything changed. T was a man who knew exactly what to say and do to make me believe him. I take responsibility for my part in this, I should have seen it. As someone who can easily manipulate people to see what I want them to see in me I should have seen the red flags, one after another. I should have walked away sooner, I didn’t and that is on me.
I know you’re probably thinking I’m an asshole for being manipulative and maybe I am, however, I only manipulate people so they don’t see parts of who I really am. I never manipulate feelings to hurt them, I make sure they only see certain parts of me, that they never see my weaknesses. I am really good at telling people things so they think they know all my secrets but deep down they have barely scratched the surface of who I am. I don’t exactly want men to see me as a woman who has zero emotion, a woman who can fuck them and then walk away without even asking their name, it’s not exactly “girlfriend material.” I feel like that is a story for another entry, I promise to touch more on that at a later time, let’s get back to the subject at hand.
This is where my fear and problem lies now…I don’t trust anyone, I don’t believe anything men say, I don’t believe their intentions at all. I always was that person who saw the good in everyone, I could look past their faults and see the person they could be and now I can’t do that. I am shut off, I am cold, the thought of letting anyone know about my vulnerabilities makes me retreat. I no longer care about anyone’s feelings over my own…I no longer give the benefit of the doubt when it comes to anything.
It makes me a bit angry that I let someone steal what I once saw as my best quality. The ability to be so honest and compassionate at all times
What if I have lost everything that makes me, me? I guess the point of my rambling today is that until I can figure out how to be that again then there isn’t a way to my heart. My heart is currently cold, shut off and protected. At the moment, in all honesty, I wouldn’t think twice about hurting someone to protect myself. Hopefully I don’t push away good people in the process of healing…
*In an effort to protect herself she grew colder than the men who wasted her time and I couldn’t blame her….*