So i have actually reached a full week of battling my sleep disorder. I am so proud of myself for being true to my word in regards to my personal health and discipline. I won’t say it has been easy because it definitely hasn’t, but I’ve stuck to my bedtime rigidly and have been waking up early. I feel so positive and uplifted by my progress. I can’t quite believe I’m beating this, of my own accord with no professional or medical help. The thought brings a huge smile to my face.
What a regular sleep pattern has done for my mood, mental wellbeing and even physical productivity is absolutely HUGE! I can’t express enough how different i feel. I won’t say my life has changed dramatically overnight or anything of that sort, more that i have changed for the better 🙂
Who knew there could be so much time in the day without staying up until the wee hours? This is a new world to me, especially without feeling like a brain dead zombie. I love my mornings; anybody that knows me personally knows how insane that is for me to utter those words lol. I have made myself giggle a few times this week thinking who knows by December i may class myself as a ‘morning person’ lol the possibilities!
I am particularly proud of pushing myself out of my safe place in the parallel universe of my book, back to reality, to stick to my bedtime last night. It was a little bit of an emotionally straining evening for me last night which makes the fact i went to bed when i did even more of an achievement. Stress has always been my main trigger in regards to bringing on a period of restless sleep. Maybe last night proves that no matter how stressed i am, sleep doesn’t have to be a major obstacle making everything harder. Wow, the possibility of that being true for me is out of this world.
So why was yesterday evening an emotionally hard one? Well i have wanted a child of my own for around 5 years now; desperately with every atom of my being. I have had irrational fears of never becoming a mother and being punished for some unknown reason. These periods over the last 5 years have been very extreme at some points, especially because i knew i was losing the man i wanted this with. It doesn’t help that 2 of my closest friends are both heavily pregnant with their second children. I absolutely am not the type of person that could ever hate on them for having happiness. I am truly from my heart happy for them and i wish them every love, joy and blessing from my soul. There is just a part of my heart that feels pain, not necessarily for their happiness but for the lack of my own. Well yesterday evening one of my friends had her baby, a beautiful boy of 8 pounds. I am thrilled for her 🙂 may god bless him with every goodness possible to man.
What really got to me was finding out that my childhood male best friend was also in the hospital with his wife, having a baby. Now before anybody jumps to conclusions, the only reason this totally upset me was because he didn’t tell me she was pregnant, let alone due! He has been my friend since i was 18 years old, at times we were inseparable; I have written an entire post about him if you have read my old entries. How could he hide something like that? I felt betrayed that he couldn’t share that with me. What would i have done, only been over the moon at the prospect of him being a father? I have considered that perhaps he kept it from me because of our history which is insane. He knows everything about my long term ex; I’ve discussed my relationship at length with him. So why keep it back? Maybe this is the end of our friendship, because if I’m honest with myself, fake friendships are the last thing i need in my life.
Moving on, today is a new day and the sun is shining beautifully. I have a lovely day planned so i will go get ready now. I hope everyone has a great day 🙂