10-6-2016 Sick(just my usual complaining)

Its been forever since i wrote in this journal. School started which is alright, keeps me away from home. My depression has been at an all time low and my self-esteem is at the lowest its ever been. The suicidal thoughts havent left my head. Ive been crying alot lately, but since i got a new phone, ive been getting all these games to distract me but nothing has been working. I really want to die, but i cant seem to do it. I literally dont have the courage to do it, because of my gigantic fear of pain. I dont know what happens after death, so that kind of scares me, i know i wont go to heaven if thats real, i dont want to get reincarnated if thats a thing. I just want to be dead, forever feeling nothing, having an endless, dreamless sleep. I just can’t take everything anymore. Its hard staying strong at school, someone making fun of me, even as a joke, makes me want to cry. People thinking im mean makes me sick to my stomach. Thinking of certain things just makes me feel on edge. I had a mini panic attack the other day, i could barely breath, i wanted to scream out. My days have been getting easily ruined, but i ruin them myself by showing myself things i dont want to see, and thinking things i dont want to think. Ive been crying at random ass times, and it sucks because of the stupid stuffy nose i get lol. Talking to people about it makes me feel stupider than i already am. People try ti get me to talk to them, but they wont understand, they try, but they never will completely understand me. People will be people, women will be women, men will be men. I can never change that, bo matter how much i want to. Its just been hurting super badly, but im sensible not to physically hurt myself and leave scars. Mental self abuse though, is a whole nother story. But anyways, enought with my stupid emotions♡ anyways.. today was career day, and i really didnt want to dress up as anything. I dont sit by anyone anymore because the person dropped the class so im all by my lonesome. I always feel like this certain guy always looks at me, i dont know what to feel lol. The rest of classes were the usual. The day was alright, i cam home and played some games with my friends, and met up with some old ones from nearly three years ago. I really miss them, there was this one names Ricky, and he was the sweetest out of our group. I felt that he was the only one who understood me, and he always gave me advice and stood by my side when everyone else in the group picked on me or my puppy. We had our own little clan, it was fun. Those were the good days, when i didnt have much troubles. I really miss him, we havent talked in a long time. We only talked through our ps3s. I wish i still talked to him, i really need him right now. I just want a hug from someone, tell me its all going to be alright, and for that to actually be the truth. To love me as a best friend and always stay by myside. It doesnt have to be a lover, just a true best friend.


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