Lone Wolf in Denver

My life has become a routine of lonely company. A wolf becomes a lone wolf because it is rejected by its pack from some disapproving action the rest were displeased with, and now, it has to fend for itself, roaming the woods alone in solidarity. I feel like my life parallels the metaphor of a lone wolf. I am alone all the time. The only time I have human interaction is when I spend 8 hours 5 days a week at my mundane job where I have to be a part of a team. Which is not organically in my nature. I have found myself slowly drifting away from society for the past year. I dont trust people, I find most of them ingenuine and therefore do not feel like investing my attention, emotion, and energy into them. I am not angry, I dont dislike the human race. My heart bleeds for people, and the struggles they face. I walk my mind on a balance beam of compassion and distance. This confliction has lead to me pushing away every single person I have ever cared about.

I have had the pleasure of truly loving someone unconditionally twice already in my life and both times, I pushed and pushed until there was no way of pulling them back. Even though I have pushed everyone away, its not a reflection of what my connection to them is inside. I still unconditionally love these people and would do anything and forgive them for anything. I love all the beautiful parts, and know the bad parts are just their human flaws. And there is nothing wrong with being human. I keep them in my thoughts everyday, and I get a positive vibration of feelings when I do. I wish they could understand how conflicted inside I am.

I want love in my life, but I find it easier to be alone. I may be lonely, but Im not breaking over heartache. To me, that is the lesser of the two evils. If anyone out there has the patience enough to break down my titanium walls I have built so close around my heart then maybe I will get to experience love in my life. But as the days go by, they turn into years, and all I can see anymore are the years passing me by. I have been burdened with blame, and trapped in my past for too long. I have dealt with all my ghosts and faced all my demons, and I have finally accepted a past I regret. I am content in my mundane routine, there is no chance of the unbearable pain of losing someone you love, there is no one taking you for granted, and there is no one I can hurt after they get to close to me. Its safer for me, and more importantly its safer for those who dare to care for me. 

2 thoughts on “Lone Wolf in Denver”

  1. This is your first post here at Goodnight Journal, isn’t it? I know because I was going to read your other posts and there weren’t any. I wanted to see if there was anything I could address. You seem fairly content. But I think deep down you still hope for love. And I hope with you. I hope there will be a love in your future that will melt those rock-hard walls from around your heart. There is always hurt when there is love. Not necessarily the hurt of rejection, but of seeing your partner in pain or distress or sick. Is it worth it? After 46 years of marriage, I say yes. Even though my husband has been diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease and I don’t know what the future will hold. You are young and have plenty of future for happiness and love. I wish you all the best, dear. “Perfect love casts out fear.” God bless you.

  2. Thank you for your kind words. I really needed to hear them today. I am very sorry to hear about your husband and my prayers go out to you and him. Blessed be.

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