Random Thoughts

At 43 years old, I am still not sure I understand the workings of men. Hahahaha *takes a breath* yeah right. I wish I could understand why men think that the value of their penis relates to their value as a man….?????

I just recently got back in touch with an old friend of mine. We started chatting ohhhh about 16 years ago, online, have never met. There was just this automatic connection, we got each other. We were there for each other, we told each other everything. It wasn’t like, oh, I can’t share that with him, I could tell him anything, no judgement, no worries, just supportive and vice versa. It was a sexual thing here and there (I know, I know, omg, phone sex and sexting). That was not what we revolved around though. He was at a place in his life where he just needed to be able to talk to someone and I was in a rough patch as well. I adored him, I would like to think he felt the same.

Fast forward to now. About 5 years ago (give or take a year either way) was the last time we talked. The conversation was very short, online message, letting me know that he had found out he had cancer and he would try to get back in touch with me to let me know how things fared. I didn’t hear from him again. 🙁 I was worried, I looked for news of him, I tried email, online messaging, looking him up online, to no avail. I was almost going to send a message to the last address I knew of him, but felt I shouldn’t go that far, he had/was married, with a child. Over the past few years, I pop his name in a search engine to see if his name pops up on social media, but no. Then my sister tells me she found him. (Oh, I forgot to mention, she knew him first) I didn’t believe it was him, cause I had recently looked, so I checked again, yes it was. I sent a message, but no reply.

I basically figured he had beaten the bout with cancer or maybe was still fighting it. Because of the whole illness, he had drawn closer to the wife and probably didn’t want to get back into things of the past and so wasn’t replying. This was back in March.

Just about 3 weeks ago, I randomly get a message from him. My jaw about hit the floor! I was like, omg, I thought you didn’t want to talk to me… and all that girlie stuff. LOL We have been having some very good conversations, but haven’t had a chance to catch up on the phone. I keep telling him how I have forgotten how we just clicked and how nice it was. We jokingly were talking about seeing each other, like we use to talk and just kind of small talked about it. The next day I get a totally different attitude. I’m like dude, what happened? I’m not looking to take you away from your wife, your child, your family. I am not going to come to wreck anything, I have NO expectations of sex of any sort (yes, I spelled that out for him) I would be happy enough to be doing a tourist thing in his vicinity and be able to swing by a nearby place, cafe, park, anywhere- just to say hello, meet this person face to face and get a hug. That’s IT.

Apparently this was NOT communicated well enough. He was in a very thoughtful mood, but couldn’t convey what he was trying to say to me. I asked if I upset him, said things that bothered him, no and no. Did he just not want to talk to me anymore? No and on and on. Didn’t get it talked out before he had to go to bed. Tonight we get to talking and he opens up and it IS the sex thing. *sigh* He just wanted me to know that the cancer affected the ability to kind of be spontaneous and so even though he might be very interested, it didn’t always cooperate….. NO BIG DEAL.

Ok guys, right here, what part of sex is not a big deal, not the important part of us meeting up, did he not get? Am I really going to think less of him because he can’t give me a good time in bed? Take me to an ice cream parlour or a walk around town. Let’s sit in your car at McDonald’s and listen to music and talk….

maybe I sound boring, but I genuinely care about this person and am so happy to be back in touch that sex is the last thing on my mind and why do men think that it will change the whole situation?! Women can enjoy a man’s company just to be near them, to listen to them, to hold them and have fun. If you can make each other laugh and have a good time, why???? If a man can answer me, why men don’t get that, why they feel less of a man because of that, please do. Because this is why my youngest daughter’s dad and I broke up. He was having issues, the pills gave him a terrible attitude and we fought like crazy. When he stopped taking the pills we got along great, but we weren’t able to have much sex. I was perfectly okay with that, I enjoyed being around him and his company, don’t get me wrong, the sex was great, but not the attitude. He thought if I was ok with him being off the pills and not having sex, I had to be cheating on him and there went our relationship.

So please, if someone thinks they have the answer to this, I would love to hear your responses.

One thought on “Random Thoughts”

  1. Dear girl, I have a response, which I don’t think you’re going to like. It is very risky to have a close friendship with a married man. Without realizing it, you can fall in love, both of you, and wreck a marriage. You need to let him go, in love. You need to reassure him it’s not the sex thing, that what you loved was the friendship. But already the friendship had some romantic overtones. I’m sorry to have to tell you, but it needs to stop. Tell him you love him enough to let him go, because it is the right thing. Romantic friendships are playing with fire. You will find other friends and hopefully they will be free. I wish you all the best in the world. I wish you the happiest of futures. God bless.

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