Am I really doing this?

Okay, Noah’s cat is gone. She peed on my rug two more times just in the last 24 hours. He took her to Brent’s. I spent $132 to have my rug cleaned today. I cleaned a lot downstairs today. I washed and ironed all the slip covers on one of the couches, and really cleaned the kitchen well. I took some books to sell at half price books, some pillowcases to the Hope Center, and a box of other stuff to Goodwill. I re-filled out the surrender form to give Ben away. I feel really horrible about it right now. I am guilty as hell. The reality is, though, if I actually want to move to NYC, I have to give up the dogs. I just can’t have two giant dogs in the city. I have been frustrated with taking care of them here, too. I am aggravated with everything being dirty all the time and the hair all over everything all the time. Noah wants to take John to Brent’s, which is suppose is okay except he won’t get walked. They are both way too lazy. Noah wants to take his furniture out of his bedroom but I don’t want him to. I am going to tell him he cannot take it until I sell my house. I will decide then if I want to let him have it. That chest was $400, and I really, really like it. The bed he can have, and the night stand he can have, but not the chest. 

I talked to a head hunter for teachers today. She is looking for me a job. She has one right now in Tiawan. Um, no. I’m not ready for that right now. I would rather go to NYC. 

The bottom line is I have to make a decision about Ben. I do love him, but 1. I cannot go as long as I have him 2. I don’t want to watch him get old and die 3. I hate the dirt and hair and chewing up of everything. 

I don’t know what to do. I certainly wish I had never gotten either dog. I feel so very terrible no matter what I do. I regret everything it seems no matter what choice I make. I need some help and some guidance. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. Please someone help me. 

2 thoughts on “Am I really doing this?”

  1. I’m sorry that you feel guilty. From an outsider-who-loves-animals perspective, here’s my take on what you wrote & have written in the past.

    You need this move. You do. I think this is a great thing for you. A change of scenery can do amazing things. You’ll have a fresh start.

    As for the animals, if you have to give them up and you have some time, you could take the time to make sure each one goes to a great home. I think that will help with the guilt you’re feeling. If they go to a good homes than you can sleep easy knowing that this was your big gift to them.

  2. Oh my goodness! Thank you so much for responding! I literally have no friends or family to talk about this with.
    I have 4 animals: I will keep my 17 year old cat with me, no matter where I go, my 18 year old son is going to live with his father and he took the 2nd cat with him. He also wants to take one of the two dogs there. That leaves one dog. I am considering (already started the process) surrendering him to a golden retriever rescue group. They will put him with a foster family until they find the right home for him. Potential adoptors for their dogs have to undergo an an application process, have home visits, interviews, and 3 recommendations from friends/family. I know they will do a good job placing him in a new home.
    I just feel guilty and bad about it. I have been taking care of other people since I was 4 years old. I have never lived for myself- always for someone else. It’s scary to me and seems very selfish and wrong. It’s just a hard move for me to make.

    Again, you have no idea how much your response means to me. I will read it over and over to give myself reassurance. Thank you.

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