Been up since 3am

I wasn’t really able to sleep much last night, but I do feel a little better about the Blackie situation. I feel so guilty and bad about everything I do. That cat was peeing in my house. That cat was peeing on a brand new, expensive wool rug that I had to buy to replace the only 3 year old, expensive wool rug that she ruined. Ugh. I hate that I feel like I kicked my son out because of the cat, but I am just not going to live in a disgusting stinky house. 

I am supposed to call a lady today to see Ben for GRRAND to move forward in giving him up. I am afraid Noah may freak out if he came back here and Ben was gone. If I don’t move forward, I will stay stuck here in this house, in this town, alone. Moving was not my first choice. I wanted my husband to take me back and us get re-married and buy a house together and have the kids come stay with us and have parties and do fun things together and live happily ever after. He was not willing to give it a try for whatever reason. He has- or that situation has had me in the deepest depression I have ever experienced. I have always had a tendency toward depression, but nothing like this. I barely remember January and February, I was so deep in the hole. I am off all the extra medications my doctor tried to try to pull me out of it. None of them worked. Now I am back on only Cymbalta. The only thing that helped pull me out of that deep depression was just deciding that even though that’s what I really, really wanted to happen, Brent didn’t want that, so it was not going to be. Now I’m reaching around, trying to find something to hold on to to keep me alive- to keep me looking forward to another day. Everything is just so complicated. In order for me to move, the animals have to go other places. Every choice is good and bad. 

I am so tired of being sad and alone and having no one. So, so tired of it. 

7:48PM I got a lot of cleaning done before I walked the dogs this morning. I cleaned Noah’s bathroom (disgusting) and a little in his bedroom and office. I am not letting him take that bedroom furniture to Brent’s. It is staying in my house, at least until I sell it. I don’t want Brent’s shitty furniture in place of it. I like what I bought. 

I talked to a lady from GRRAND today. It made be feel more reasonable about Ben. If they can give him a better home than he has here, then why not do that? If they can find someone that will exercise him and treat him like he should be treated, then why not? I really bit off more than I can chew with getting a second dog, to be honest. It’s too much for me to handle and maintain not to mention, afford. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I made a mistake. That doesn’t mean I have to martyr myself until these dogs die of old age. If Ben goes to a new family and is happy there, then it is a win-win. If I only had Ben and no other animals, I think I could be okay, but with Sophie and for now, John, it’s just too much. 

I know Noah is going to be upset/mad at me if I give Ben up, but I can’t do this by myself and he is not at all willing to help me. He will not even walk the dogs around the block once a day. He won’t pick up poop in the back yard or even mow the damn grass I have been asking him to mow for 3 weeks now. I did it myself today. The only things Noah does fairly consistently are get the mail and put out the trash. He only gets the mail because he’s expecting something. Ugh. 

I don’t know what the answers are. I just don’t think I can stay here and make a new life for myself all by myself. I don’t think there are enough opportunities for me here. At least I’m not writing about killing myself, anymore. I am a little bit scared that I will get really down again when the days get very short in December. I hope that doesn’t happen. 

2 thoughts on “Been up since 3am”

  1. I know you are so tired. Exhausted. Emotionally worn out. I’m sorry your dream didn’t happen. But keep on believing in goodness and hope, and a new dream will come. You are a strong lady, and you should have a wonderful life. I think it will come in time, maybe sooner than you expect. God bless you.

  2. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. Your positive words are always helpful. On days I don’t go to work, I usually don’t talk to another human being all day. You help to make me feel less alone.

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