Last night things got even worse. I cried so much that my make up ran black all down my face and I honestly thought I’d end up self harming or overdosing, but I didn’t. I don’t even really want to talk about it in detail to be honest. The situation of having an unplanned child in a casual relationship that has long since finished is difficult for everyone, that’s just how it is, that’s the price me and Harry’s father have to pay for being so irresponsible. It’ll always be difficult; my family and the father’s family are still strangers, we were forced to have to suddenly all act like a family when Harry was born. Of course Will didn’t tell any of his family till I was eight months pregnant so none of us even had that time to get to know each other.

Unfortunately what’s happening is it’s getting difficult to arrange times to see Harry because when my mum and I are free Will’s family isn’t free, and when my family aren’t available Will’s family is available; each family have completely separate lives and Will’s family always miss out if my family is busy. I still don’t allow them to have Harry on his own without me (the fuss this has caused is unbelievable) because Harry still doesn’t eat or drink very well, he hasn’t got a stable sleeping and mealtime pattern and he still feeds from me an awful lot for comfort. I went to have my hair coloured yesterday (rainbow colours!) and I was gone like three hours. When I came back Harry was in a complete state and my mum was struggling. Harry fed from me and fell asleep as soon as I came back. Will’s family want Harry for a few hours by himself but after yesterday when he struggled just being with my mum without me I still won’t allow it just yet. I will allow it in future, of course I will, but I’d feel much better if Harry ate and drink much better and was feeding off me much less. I have to admit, the fact Will’s family want Harry without me being there so bad it makes me feel extremely nervous and unsettled. Once I offered to take Harry to see them every week but Will’s mum said no, that she’d only accept that if I leave Harry with them. They wanted to take Harry to the beach, but because I said I’d have to go with Harry they never arranged it! 🙁

I have to wake up Harry in a bit to take him to see Will and his family at their place. Will and I haven’t spoken since I insulted his mum two weeks ago. I haven’t unblocked his number yet out of fear of saying something worse, and I honestly haven’t been well and I definitely will only make things worse, even now, especially after last night. Basically I had this hair appointment yesterday afternoon and my mum arranged to see Will and his family at around 3pm yesterday. I did tell her I had this appointment and asked her to ask Will’s family about the Sunday but she didn’t want to do that. My mum said she was sure my hair wouldn’t take more than two hours, but it did, as I had five colours put in…of course Harry was extremely restless when I came back from my hair appointment and was so exhausted that he fed from me and fell asleep so we couldn’t go afterwards…my mum was extremely upset, then my dad was extremely upset at me and urgh, this whole situation is just a mess.

I know it’s ok because we’re seeing them today but…last night took it out of me…I was terrified of how upset I was feeling. It would be in that sort of situation that I’d take a lorazepam and everything would be ok within a maximum of 20 minutes…but that’s not an option to me anymore. I got addicted to that stuff during my last lengthy stay on a mental health ward, and as I was under section they would threaten to inject me with the lorazepam by force if I didn’t comply and take it myself. I wish I had some now though, for this visit this afternoon. Nothing bad would happen at all then, I wouldn’t make anything worse, it would calm me down, it would be a doddle! 🙁 Anyway I best get things ready. I sound like a right demon in this entry.

2 thoughts on “:(”

  1. Dear girl, you are in a very difficult situation, as you know. I think you are brave to handle it as well as you do. One idea: could you express some milk and send it in a bottle for Harry if he’s away from you (like when you got your hair done?) Might help, if he’ll take it that way. You are a good mother to keep nursing him. Some people quit early on. I can tell you love him and you want the best for him, you are allowing him to be part of Will’s family, but they are very demanding. You are the Mama. Your word should be IT. You are not being unreasonable, you are trying to make time for them together. Don’t let them make you feel bad. All you want is the best for your little one, that’s normal, that’s nature, and that’s noble. Bless you!

  2. Hello! Thank you so much, you always leave comments that make me feel better! Unfortunately Will’s family do make me feel bad…really awful, they make me feel like I’m a terrible mother! They try to guilt trip me a lot, Will’s mum says she cries every night because I won’t let them have Harry on his own (she said this not long after Harry turned one) and Will has said that he cannot wait any longer to have Harry on his own, I think he meant it as like a threat. Also unfortunately I’ve tried the expressing milk thing! Up until Harry was only maybe a month old he accepted it from time to time, but he quickly went right off bottles and has always refused them since. He loves the whole thing of lying on his pillow and falling asleep feeding from me, I think he likes being so comfortable! I do worry about him…I haven’t known Will’s family long at all, they’re still strangers to me and I don’t really trust them at all 🙁

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