i think maybe i should quit my job and stop volunteering as a sunday school teacher. i am so worried about them i make myself ill. i am no one’s guardian angel and that is truly upsetting. i am nothing but an entity stuck inside a physical human form that doesn’t even belong here to begin with. i have never truly liked children and it is astounding (in a bad way) that this is my job and i am not terrible at it and some of the kids really do like me. but everything becomes too overwhelming when you realize that one day they will grow up punching walls, crying themselves to sleep, breaking hearts and being heart broken, hitting your mother being your father, and loathing every inch of their being. i know that is really bad and pessimistic of me, but it does happen. i know there are a lot of good experiences, too. i know they will fall in love, sleep in on the weekends, have friends who support and love them for who they are, and experience contentment. but they will also fall out of love, spend nights lying awake staring at the ceiling, watch friendships lose meaning, and ask themselves when was the last time they were happy. 

today, i saw all the children running around, playing, eating pizza with their family and i suppose that for today, that is enough. things are okay.

i really don’t mean to worry so much or frown upon what the true experience of life is, but i suppose this is just reality sinking its teeth once more.

One thought on “ache”

  1. What would you do if you didn’t teach? Are there other jobs you are qualified for? It would be nice if you could change jobs since you are unhappy there. I wish you all the best! PS – teaching is HARD and stressful! I lasted 2 years.

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