BLOGGER #1

I am so screwed up….or am I really just a normal…conglomeration of questions and confusion?  Like every other homosapien on this planet?

    Who knows???

     ….all I know for sure is that….for one…I need something to believe in that is higher than myself…whether I call HIM GOD…or Homer the great?    Does not really matter…as long as it is for the betterment of self and  society…and the world…

     I have chosen…the religion of Pentecost…to practice my beliefs and  faith…and I will continue to do so…until I die. 

   Because there has been NO one that has offered up something better…and more tangible…

  I know that I am a bit  irrational…about my faith…and our world is governed by rationality…unfortunately….

….but when I look at the radicals of other religions…I don’t feel so bad…I think… at least I am not killing thousands of innocent people in the name of my GOD (but are we???) or trying to blame all the worlds ills on something that was solely created by men to control the masses…back in the dark ages….RELIGION…

….and men continue to distorted and corrupt the true meanings of everything he touches…all in the name of rational thinking? or science…or the common goals of society…or innovation…   

That is such a load of bull…

 

   The way I see the world and all who inhabit it….

    it is one giant spoiled child….that lacks self discipline…compassion…and guidance. 

   And if you don’t think we need it…

    Then my friend you are in complete denial…and in need of a eye opening experience in your life.

   But enough about the state of the world and people that live in it…. 

     I distrust all human beings…. 

 ….because 99.9 % of them all  have their own agendas….therefore have proven themselves to be untrustworthy….they can turn on you…hurt you…cause you great distress…and anxiety…and even with their words, cause your demise….

….there is no compassion…or respect…or even understanding left in this world…and who do the liberals attribute it too????   GOD….LOL…you have got to be kidding me….like they had nothing to do with the state of the nation as it is now…

    But on a personal note:

     I don’t know what to believe anymore….

    I was and still am trapped in an emotional turmoil that I can’t seem to shake…

…and am told that I am not allowed to feel the way I am feeling?   But no one is offering me any alternatives?  

    I don’t know what to do?

   I live in a household that I choose to stay in my room…because I am afraid to have my own opinions…

   My choice…true…I know….but I just don’t see the point of arguing  with someone who feel threaten by my sheer presence?   It just seems to be a waste of my energies…

     I choose not to tell anyone about my situation…for fear of them thinking that I want them to fix it for me…and that is not the case at all….

    I just want to feel like my opinions and desires…and needs are valid…even if it is just in a small way.

   I already feel all alone…in this world…

    There is no worse feeling…as far as I am concerned…than to be or feel that no one cares.

  And I mean genuinely cares…someone that has unconditional love for you?

     You know?   I wonder quiet often why GOD…gave me all the greatest gifts of life…and the abilities to perceive all that goes on around me both in the natural and spiritual worlds….but only for a while…then took them all away? 

  And replaced them with the underbelly of our society?   

Was it to show me just how much the world had deteriorated….or to see just how the other half lived?

    Not only did HE show me….HE let me experience the evil…and darkness…that this  world had to give… just about all the evil of this world…and wrong deeds that men do…short of murder…

     Altho there were times when I didn’t think I was going to make it…But I did?

   And what was it all for?

   To fall into some emotional trap…that I can’t seem to get out of.

    I hate myself for being the way I am…for seeing what I see…for knowing what I know…

     I told HIM…then…as I am saying it now….I can’t be that? 

   If HE doesn’t come and renew my soul…and mind…I fear that I will just give up and go back to what I was before….and if that happens…then I know that I will meet my end…and hell awaits me…

    And that is not a threat…it is a plea…my soul cries out in agony…as if it were being torn from me…

    Is this a bit dramatic?    IDK…it is just how I feel inside…no one can hear me…or feel me…

    Or is it…that they just don’t want too any more?

    I don’t ask for much…not really…just to feel close to someone when I am cold…to know someone out there genuinely cares for me.

  To know that someone will shed a tear for me…when I am gone?

     I know that I am a master at pushing people away…and that I am self destructive…but I don’t know how to not be?   And I have no one that I trust…to tell me how to change?    I guess I have said enough…so  

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