I knew today was the day i was going to end this chapter of my life before it became a tragic book series. In the morning i tried to distract myself by going shopping with mum, we did our typical Kmart runs and the had some breakfast at out favourite spot but this turned out to be a waste of money, the minute i got home it all came back up and out.
I literally vomited out all my French toast and tea, not to mention i got the runs straight after. My body knew what was going on in my head and its as if it panicked completely and began to shutdown. So i turned to my number 3 coping method which was to sleep it off. I think i secretly wishing i would wake up and be over or i would have an apiphany of the right words to say, but no such luck, i woke up to my reality of dooms day.
I have never broken anyones heart nor do i get any enjoyment out of it, i always think of how i would feel if it were me on the other side, but i believe i never lead him on, he would always say he “loved” me and never once did i reciprocate because i never felt that way, don’t get me wrong, i really liked him but love is an entirely different story, i made it clear that i wanted to take things slow and by slow i meant turtle speed but i don’t think he knew what that was because he said he loved me within a week. I mean he doesn’t even know me properly, I’m an asshole, even i know that but i think he was infatuated with the idea of having his childhood crush as a girlfriend.
Anyways i told mum that i didn’t think i should stay in this relationship and she was supportive. I think she could she that we were always arguing over stupid shit and if i think about it he doesn’t really respect me as me, he just likes to compliment me. But mum advised me to talk to my older brother, when she said this i was surprised i didn’t think of it. My older brother is wise man, and he gave me the advise i needed, he basically gave me the scenarios that could happen, and told me what to expect, he basically gave me the bloody script to breakup. I told him my situation and he gave me points to say because i knew that i would blank out if i were to talk on the phone, all in all i was so grateful to have him. i don’t think i could have gotten through it without him. He told me to do it the minute i hung up with him. So i tried to stall and stay on the phone with him for as long as possible but he knew what i was up to. The time had come.
Words cannot describe the ugly feeling i had in me, but i knew this was something i had to do not only for me but for him, i can’t string him along when my feelings are unsure, so i dialled his number…i was praying he wouldn’t pick up but after five rings he answered, i spent the first minute trying to get the words out but its like i had something blocking my voice until it finally came out. “I don’t think this relationship should continue.”. The minute the words left my mouth i felt a slight relief but guilt also, it was the end and then there was silence, he had hung up. My brother told me i had it easy this being long distance but it felt just as bad.
Eventually about 2 hours later he messaged me, in our relationship, i always told him, if at ever at any point we didn’t feel right we should end it there and then, i didn’t want to be lead on or vice versa, and he asked me “is this what you were talking about, when one of us doesn’t feel it?” and there i gave him his explanation, i guess it was better that he hung up because i got to say what i wanted to say without being interrupted. After that there was no reply, and i didn’t expect one, but i did want to know if he was okay, but i didn’t dare ask, i didn’t want to do more damage. Fuck.. a month and 8 days. When i reflect all i can remember are the arguments, none of the happy times really, don’t get me wrong there were plenty but they don’t stand out to me. I think I’m just not built for relationships, I’m good at being alone, and alone i shall be for a while.