“SOMETIMES YOU STARE AT YOUR DOOR TOO LONG”

Sometimes, you don’t feel like knowing much or more than you (feel the) need to. Sometimes you know way too much and wish you could just stay plain ignorant. You know, pretending that you didn’t. Just stay carefree, as emotionally-detached as can be.

How do people do that, seriously? Wait, you tend to do that too. Sometimes you do, when you’re strong enough and not too tired. When it’s not even relevant to your life. All is always good when you’re in such a state.

“Pain can be controlled. Just disconnect.”

Sometimes, you just want to disconnect from the rest of the world for a while. Take a break. Turn off your cellphone. Be alone. Then do what? Nothing. Just listen to your own inner voice, which you haven’t really done in ages.

Then, what? What if the old ghosts of the past come knocking on your door again, bugging you so much that you wish you could banish them for good this time? Why do you have to fail this way?

You start freaking out, even silently. Outside, they only see you smile and laugh, the strongest armour of pretenses you always use to keep you sane. After that, you decide to get yourself busy again. Go back to being That Acute Workaholic Girl. Yeah, keep yourself busy. Sometimes it’s the only way.

They say you have to talk about this. Stop pretending that everything is okay. It’s alright to feel sad/lonely/weak/defeated/pissed off…all those you have openly despised for so long. They do nothing but ruining you from within. Still, you never want to let them win, at least not without a fight. No, no, no. No way! Never again. Please, don’t ever let it happen. Enough is enough.

You’re afraid that they’ll get the wrong idea regarding this gloom. They often do, but you’re trying to be fair – so you let them speculate about you anyway.

For the past two and a half years, you’ve grown more accustomed to letting go and saying goodbye, although silently. (Sometimes, if that poisonous feeling still stays, you will it to go away by whispering: “Die, please just die so I can live freely again. I need to breathe without getting my tear ducts shredded and restitched again, even by my own mental strength.”) You always know when to stop trying, because you hate being the begging, needy type. If they only want what you’ll never want to give them in the first place, then you simply show them where to go. If they want to stay, then stay. If they choose to leave, then go away. They can’t just come and go as they please, treating your isolated castle like a mere house of cards in a hurricane. They don’t care if it’s yours they ruin. If possible and when they feel like it, they just come back for another game – in another shape or personality. Letting your guard down again all to easily will be such a crying shame.

Once again, you’re staring at the only door out of your isolated castle. You find yourself undecided.

How to make that door magically disappear, turning it into just another layer of brick wall? You can’t…and certainly won’t. Once in a while, you still have to get out. Don’t forget your weapon and armour, since you’re the very first person who should take care of you. Not him, her, them, or anyone else out there.

Should you add another lock or a bolt instead?

Does it really matter? There will always be new footsteps and voices out there, wondering if they could come in. Asking to be let in. What are you going to do? Are you going to open that door or tell them not to bother?

They can sound nice. They can even promise you that it’s okay, it’s safe to open that door. They’re not going to hurt you like the ones who have come before. However, what does your gut instinct tell you? How do you know it’s not going to be just another repeat performance from other players?

How long are you going to stare at that door? The knocking may grow louder…or fainter…

R.

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