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I don’t feel a thing.
Im not sad and I’m not happy.
Im just existing.

I can’t believe that I’m not feeling a thing. Which concerns me, when am i going to break down and i hope when i do its not in public. I know at some point I’m going to feel it, but for now, i got nothing. And it makes me realise how unattached i let myself be with him.

It kind of scares me how i can be so heartless, to cut people off just like that, pretend like we didn’t talk everyday, discard that i knew all his secrets and insecurities, all the problems and past relationships he’s had and just like that, just become a memory.

Its a skill i guess but it scares me, am i going to be like this with the next one? If there is a next one, which i hope is in the distant, distant, distant future. In order for me not to get hurt i didn’t let him in, i wouldn’t even tell him how my day went in detail, it was always “It was good” or “Didn’t do much, how about you?”. Either way i know that separating was the right thing but if I’m honest with myself i didn’t let myself love him, i think i knew that the distance would catch up and things wouldn’t work out in the long run and thats why i closed myself off. I hate that i got hurt once before and since it left me fucked up. But i never want to feel like that again. I was close to calling it quits, as for now its time to get me in check, i hope one day i can let myself love.

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