Some Distance Between Unstable and More Stable

It’s been quite a while since I have written here.  It’s a good thing.  It means I haven’t been soaked up within myself and all of my deep and suicidal tendencies and thoughts.  My medications are officially regulated.  Sure I have off days but they are nothing like they used to be.  I’m currently working through coming to terms with the fact that I will need medication the rest of my life.  I still have thoughts that I will one day ween myself off of medications and maybe be OK even though I’m told that really won’t happen.  It’s hard to know that you can’t exist without medications (and also expensive).  I wish I wasn’t penalized for mental health treatment, it’s something I need to live.  Paying for monthly psychiatrist visits and medications can add up and I just feel penalized for having these mental health issues.  Sure I’ve tried all natural things but it just isn’t enough for me, I know deep down I really do have a chemical problem because I am basically cured with medication.  I am a totally different person than I was months ago.  Although right now I am drinking so that’s why I am writing in here.  Some sort of mind altering substance causes this.  I’m grateful to be where I am.  I hope my mediation doesn’t wear off or lose it’s effectiveness for me.

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