I’ve been having a marvelous time these past weeks wondering whether or not my emotional instability is simply Emotional Instability or a result of any number of serious personality/mental disorders and illnesses, including clinical depression, borderline personality disorder (BPD), bipolar disorder (also called manic depression), or social anxiety disorder.
I’ve never been diagnosed with anything, you see, because I’ve never been to a psychotherapist or whatever to be diagnosed, but I really want an explanation that will let me know whether or not feeling so unstable all the time is Totally Normal or Actually Sick.
It’s not that I’m doing anything extreme–I don’t do impulsive things like spending or doing drugs or having unsafe sex–I’m very responsible. I just feel like I get sad or excited or happy or angry way too easily, and sometimes the way I act sort of correlates to the symptoms someone BPD would exhibit. So I’m not sure.
Also, I’m way paranoid. I do this stuff all the time–think I might be sick, and then search up the symptoms online, and think OH MY GOD I REALLY AM SICK. This is how I diagnosed myself with cancer when I was fourteen. I honestly thought that I had a brain tumor that was causing my dizziness and shortness of breath.
So this is nothing serious. I just want to know if I have anything, so I can seek treatment. I probably don’t, though–I have never validated the way I feel because I am deathly afraid that I only think I’m sad, when I’m really not, because I’m just doing things for attention.
I relate a lot to the #actually bpd tags on Tumblr though–the emptiness, the inexplicable and intense feelings, the fear of being hated by people. I’m not sure….
Anyway, I had a four-day weekend, and tomorrow I’ll be going back to school. Yay. A three-day week. But I’ll have two tests and two after-school meetings (GSA and Anchor), and then next week I’ll have the PSAT and a formal lab due and an essay rough draft due, and then a bunch of geography projects due, and then tests, and a catapult to be due and launched on the 31st. So it’s going to be a busy month, at least until the PSAT is done and most of the things have been turned in and I can finally focus on my writing (I’ve started writing on a website called Figment.com–I decided to give online publishing a try).
Have a good month, and stay chill.