Actually BPD?

I’ve been having a marvelous time these past weeks wondering whether or not my emotional instability is simply Emotional Instability or a result of any number of serious personality/mental disorders and illnesses, including clinical depression, borderline personality disorder (BPD), bipolar disorder (also called manic depression), or social anxiety disorder.

I’ve never been diagnosed with anything, you see, because I’ve never been to a psychotherapist or whatever to be diagnosed, but I really want an explanation that will let me know whether or not feeling so unstable all the time is Totally Normal or Actually Sick.

It’s not that I’m doing anything extreme–I don’t do impulsive things like spending or doing drugs or having unsafe sex–I’m very responsible. I just feel like I get sad or excited or happy or angry way too easily, and sometimes the way I act sort of correlates to the symptoms someone BPD would exhibit. So I’m not sure.

Also, I’m way paranoid. I do this stuff all the time–think I might be sick, and then search up the symptoms online, and think OH MY GOD I REALLY AM SICK. This is how I diagnosed myself with cancer when I was fourteen. I honestly thought that I had a brain tumor that was causing my dizziness and shortness of breath.

So this is nothing serious. I just want to know if I have anything, so I can seek treatment. I probably don’t, though–I have never validated the way I feel because I am deathly afraid that I only think I’m sad, when I’m really not, because I’m just doing things for attention.

I relate a lot to the #actually bpd tags on Tumblr though–the emptiness, the inexplicable and intense feelings, the fear of being hated by people. I’m not sure….



Anyway, I had a four-day weekend, and tomorrow I’ll be going back to school. Yay. A three-day week. But I’ll have two tests and two after-school meetings (GSA and Anchor), and then next week I’ll have the PSAT and a formal lab due and an essay rough draft due, and then a bunch of geography projects due, and then tests, and a catapult to be due and launched on the 31st. So it’s going to be a busy month, at least until the PSAT is done and most of the things have been turned in and I can finally focus on my writing (I’ve started writing on a website called–I decided to give online publishing a try).

Have a good month, and stay chill.

4 thoughts on “Actually BPD?”

  1. Back in my youth, when I was investing a lot of time in my online journal, it seemed to me that everybody else on that website thought they had BPD. Except for two or three writers, all of them were self diagnosed, and I would be surprised if even half of them actually had the disorder. I think some of the signs just go with certain points of view and feelings that adolescent people can very much relate to. But this doesn’t mean they have BPD.
    If you feel safer, go talk to a professional, but I don’t think you have to worry. You sound like such a sensible young woman. You might feel a little unstable from time to time, but you are at an age where it is normal to still be searching for the real you and your aims in life.

  2. Also, years after my blogging career, I got to know someone who had been diagnosed with BPD personally. Yes, it started with us going on a few dates and some things happening. Then he pushed me away very rudely and we stopped talking for some months. When I next saw him again he had just been released from hospital and his left arm was heavily bandaged. I later saw the scars – he had really meant business when doing this. And all just because he was in a mood and didn’t want to partake in an exam. That’s when I “adopted” him for the rest of our time together at the university. He was an extreme kind of person, always knowingly harming himself, taking substances that were not good for him, unable to tolerate a girl close to him after the first night together, let alone get into a serious relationship. I tried very hard to push him through all the exams, but at the end he just quit. Overnight. Out of a mood. I don’t know you personally, but you don’t sound like that.

  3. But mind you I did not study psychology and can only talk from personal experience. If you can afford it, just go see a professional. Just don’t stress out over things you read on the internet, BPD is overrepresented here.

  4. If you feel sad, you are sad. You’re not just seeking attention. Some sadness is unavoidable, and especially in teen and college years. So many changes. I agree with Firelily. You sound stable enough to me; but if it would relieve your mind, do check with a doctor. There are medications that can help. God bless.

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