Why does it get so out of control? *Upsetting content*

How do I get from an argument because I wanted to get the car my dad and I drive cleaned and my mum was talking like maybe we won’t be able to get it done today, to arguing about being raped when I was 18 by an also mentally ill boyfriend I was engaged to? 🙁 I hate how I get such an over emotional reaction that makes me so angry I can’t sit with it and I just carry on being angry which makes the other person angry, which makes me angry to the point I can’t cope anymore and my mind inside is screaming and drowning out all sense of rationality. A simple argument just spirals into an argument about things that have happened in the past that I don’t ever really get over and it’s just so ridiculous and pathetic and I hate it, I hate me.

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a disorder of mood and how a person interacts with others. It’s the most commonly recognised personality disorder.

In general, someone with a personality disorder will differ significantly from an average person in terms of how he or she thinks, perceives, feels or relates to others.

The symptoms of BPD can be grouped into four main areas:

  • emotional instability – the psychological term for this is ‘affective dysregulation’
  • disturbed patterns of thinking or perception – (‘cognitive distortions’ or ‘perceptual distortions’)
  • impulsive behaviour
  • intense but unstable relationships with others

If you have BPD, you may experience a range of often intense negative emotions, such as:

  • rage
  • sorrow
  • shame
  • panic
  • terror
  • long-term feelings of emptiness and loneliness

You may have severe mood swings over a short space of time.

It’s common for people with BPD to feel suicidal with despair, and then feel reasonably positive a few hours later. Some people feel better in the morning and some in the evening. The pattern varies, but the key sign is that your moods swing in unpredictable ways.

BPD can be a serious condition, and many people with the condition self-harm and attempt suicide.

Borderline personality disorder, also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder, is a long term pattern of abnormal behaviour characterized by unstable relationships with other people, unstable sense of self, and unstable emotions. There is often an extreme fear of abandonment, frequent dangerous behaviour, a feeling of emptiness, and self-harm. Symptoms may be brought on by seemingly normal events. The behaviour typically begins by early adulthood, and occurs across a variety of situations. Substance abuse, depression, and eating disorders are commonly associated with BPD. About 6% to 10% of those with BPD die by suicide.

I really do I hate how accurate all this is…and I can predict how I’ll behave but I just can’t stop! The intense emotions happen in a second, just instantaneous and I don’t know how to stop the whole situation spiralling completely into catastrophic levels.

Just called my older sister for someone to talk to but she needs to go into a meeting now…she says mum just doesn’t know how to react to me…so now I’m just crying what feels like a thousand tears by myself, my make up is running black down my face again and I don’t know what to do. I know I’m pathetic but I just want a hug from my mum. Sometimes I really wonder what the hell I’m still doing here in this life, why am I still here after all the rubbish that’s happened, all the rubbish that mainly I’ve caused myself?

“I wonder why God lets me walk through this place?” 🙁 -SuperChick ‘Beauty from pain’

2 thoughts on “Why does it get so out of control? *Upsetting content*”

  1. Oh rebel… your breaking my heart sweets :'( I hope you’re feeling better by the time you read this, try not to be so hard on yourself, being a non medicated sufferer from a depressive disorder I know how frustrating the feeling of not even being in control of yourself can be but don’t let the psychobabble that doctors plow us with add fuel to the fire.
    Things do get bad some days and you just feel like you’re in a vortex and you can’t get out… But you can hun, you really can. Its hard to focus on the positives in those times but simple things like putting on a happy song instead of a sad one, looking at a picture that makes you really happy, going for a walk or just grabbing lil man and going out can help you help yourself to pull out of the slump.
    My personal email should be on my profile, you can email me anytime 🙂 I know I’m like a complete stranger but in here if you want to talk sweets xxxx

  2. Thank you so much for :your comment <3 A lot of people don't have much patience for me anymore and find it difficult to understand, so thank you for saying I can talk to you anytime 🙂 Did you have to give up medications too because of your children? British doctors can't wait not even a second before shoving medications at you…I wish there were other kinds of therapies that teach you ways to cope without meds. It's helped me to know that you understand what it's like to be trapped by a depressive disorder, I don't like the thought at all that you suffer one too but glad that you can understand, if you know what I mean? Thank you xxx

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