I am 28 years old, and all I have to show for it is a semi successful career, and no connection to anyone.
I had someone who I thought had a compassionate heart. Someone I thought who could accept me at my worst and appreciate my best. I gave him my best, but he also saw my worst. I gave him my heart, my body, my time, and my world. I have demons I fight everyday, he knew that before he allowed himself to fall in love with me. I guess me working on conquering my demons didnt settle well with him. Giving him my body, giving him my love, my attention, my money, my respect…. didnt outweigh the “4” times I have called him to be my ally and help me fight off my demons. To ask for the unwavering love and support he promised me. Three was my limit. I was allowed to make 3 bad mistakes. Mistakes that didnt involve me being unfaithful, unloving, or untrue to him.
These were mistakes that had nothing to do with anyone else but myself. I didnt cheat, I didnt lie, I didnt steal. These mistakes stem from extremely personal childhood experiences that I cant seem to shake every now and then. And not to toot my own horn, but even though these excruciating experiences haunt my mind and heart on a daily basis, I have managed to graduate engineering school, begin a career, care for another life, buy a townhouse, and try as hard as I can to commit to someone I love.
Yes, I have pushed him away, because I am terrified of letting anyone in. But I have also realized I didnt want to be that person. I want love in my life. And I loved you. Call me crazy, but I feel like when someone really loves you they appreciate the efforts you make and are there to support and help you through the bad times when you are so weak (because you are human) because love is unconditional.
I love you. And even though you have treated me with anger confounded by bitterness, that does not change. I know I have my issues. I know it flares up from time to time and I have the desperate time trying to have a war inside with who Im acting like and who I really am besides that episode that instantaneous night. Its hard for you to be unconditional that way, and that may be your issue, just like I have mine. But I have seen the good, and I continue to believe its amazing and true and genuine and pure. If I am wrong, then you deserve an Oscar for that performance. But I dont think thats what it is. I think you are amazing. I believe you are worth me fighting and trying everyday to provide you with the love you so greatly deserve. I believe you are the one I am meant to build my life and family with. I believe in you with unbelievable faith.
To me, 4 times out of the big picture of life shouldnt be enough grounds to write someone off, Especially when it wasnt an act to betray you. When my “4” actions stem from being raped of my virtue when I was barely a teenager. When I was left by my parents, by my father who doesnt even know when my birthday is.
If it was you, I would cuddle you and give your heart a break. I would never want you to feel any of the pain you felt within your life. I would keep your heart safe. I would love you whenever you needed it. I would love only you, forever, and for what ever reasons you needed me to.
I love you, and that isnt going to change, no matter how bitter you are to me because of my past rearing its ugly head from time to time.
I hope these words reach your heart, and touch you with love. I love you everyday I wake up. I love you before I go to sleep. I spend my nights dreaming of when you will love me too.
I love you. Its as simple and unconditional as that. Any words we have exchanged recently dont matter. Because in the big picture, I love you. And I would do anything for you. I love you, I love you. I love you. Anytime you want to come back, I am here with open, forgiving, and loving arms.
I love you.