In my last entry I felt awful but after typing about and getting out all the rubbish I felt so positive at the end, I felt like I was seeing things in a much different light…but I may as well not have been positive at all. I ended up self harming tonight. Nothing anywhere near as bad as I used to do it, I didn’t need to go to hospital, I didn’t even need a plaster, no one even knows about it. I know I pasted stuff about my BPD and it said the mood swing things are unpredictable…well they got that right. How can I type one day how much of a miracle my son is and that I’d never self harm again and then I end up self harming the next? Maybe my worst fears about myself are actually true. I am a horrible, bad person and not fit to be a mum.
Harry has been horrendous today. He’s been having screaming and crying tantrums on and off all day long, and he didn’t have his nap either. It has really scared me seeing him like this today, I have never ever seen him like that before. My mum the other night scared the hell out of me too, she was upset about her going back to work. She was crying and howling and throwing things, she was also just tapping at her touch sensitive bed side lamp, touching it on and off continuously and wouldn’t stop for ages. I asked her for help to brush Harry’s teeth but she said she wouldn’t help me. I have never ever seen her like this. Today when I called for my father to help me he simply yelled back “you shouldn’t need help you’re a single mother.” His view is that even though I still live with him and mum, I should not have any help with Harry whatsoever, that as a single mum I must look after Harry completely alone. My father now is not even half the man I used to know as my father, that man died on August 15th 2000 when I was 12 years old when he had his breakdown. He’s just a shell now…well, barely even that.
I’m scared Harry has changed, that he’ll just be like he was today all the time 🙁 I’m scared it’s all my fault, that I’ve already corrupted him, I’m already destroying him the way my dad destroyed me 🙁