In my last entry I felt awful but after typing about and getting out all the rubbish I felt so positive at the end, I felt like I was seeing things in a much different light…but I may as well not have been positive at all. I ended up self harming tonight. Nothing anywhere near as bad as I used to do it, I didn’t need to go to hospital, I didn’t even need a plaster, no one even knows about it. I know I pasted stuff about my BPD and it said the mood swing things are unpredictable…well they got that right. How can I type one day how much of a miracle my son is and that I’d never self harm again and then I end up self harming the next? Maybe my worst fears about myself are actually true. I am a horrible, bad person and not fit to be a mum.

Harry has been horrendous today. He’s been having screaming and crying tantrums on and off all day long, and he didn’t have his nap either. It has really scared me seeing him like this today, I have never ever seen him like that before. My mum the other night scared the hell out of me too, she was upset about her going back to work. She was crying and howling and throwing things, she was also just tapping at her touch sensitive bed side lamp, touching it on and off continuously and wouldn’t stop for ages. I asked her for help to brush Harry’s teeth but she said she wouldn’t help me. I have never ever seen her like this. Today when I called for my father to help me he simply yelled back “you shouldn’t need help you’re a single mother.” His view is that even though I still live with him and mum, I should not have any help with Harry whatsoever, that as a single mum I must look after Harry completely alone. My father now is not even half the man I used to know as my father, that man died on August 15th 2000 when I was 12 years old when he had his breakdown. He’s just a shell now…well, barely even that.

I’m scared Harry has changed, that he’ll just be like he was today all the time 🙁 I’m scared it’s all my fault, that I’ve already corrupted him, I’m already destroying him the way my dad destroyed me 🙁

6 thoughts on “Untitled”

  1. No, darling, you are not destroying Harry. Your mother’s tirade yesterday probably caused him to be upset and unsettled today. He could also be teething. But you are a GOOD MOM. Harry will be fine. I’m sorry you felt you had to harm yourself. The stress overwhelmed you. You can make a new resolution not to do it again. God will help you. It hurts His heart when you self-harm. That’s how much He loves you and values you. Take a deep breath and ask God for help, and keep on being a wonderful Mother to Harry . It’s going to be all right.

  2. Are you an empath?

    You’re emotions seem to indicate that you are. Harry and your mom had bad days and yet you were the one that truly felt terrible.

    I’m very serious about this. If you’d like more info, let me know.

  3. Thank you so much for your comment savedbygrace, I honestly do hope things will be alright! I know this is just stress getting on top of me and Harry will be fine so that’s the most important thing! All I want is for Harry to ok 🙂
    Thank you therealgoddessianna, I googled empath and I see what you mean; I wasn’t aware of the term empath until you spoke of it in your comment! I always thought I seemed overly tuned to everyone’s feelings, I can always tell if people aren’t ok even if they insist that they are, I can honestly just tell, their emotions are screamingly obvious to me. Obviously medically I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder which is all about feeling intense emotions. I’d prefer the empath rather than the BPD 🙁 What other information do you have about empaths?

  4. Don’t do that to yourself sweets you are stronger than that, we all have really bad days and babies pick up on those things but that doesn’t mean you’re a bad mum hun you just had a super down day but you’re still here, you got through it hun.
    Maybe you and harry could stay at a friends for a night or 2 to distance yourself from your parents emotions and give yourself a bit of time to calm down, don’t let the whole ‘single mum’ thing get to you either even people in relationship’s with kids ask each other for help so your parents are wrong for saying/acting that way.
    I hope your feeling better by the time you read this sweets, stay strong you can do this xxx

  5. RebelDemon,
    I have loads of info. I think what might be the best way for you to read it is if I put it up on my blog. So, in your honor my next blog will be all about what it means to be an empath and how to channel your gifts to help others, as well as to help you focus on which emotions you feel that are your own verse other people around you. Yes. I said gifts. If you are an empath you fall into the “psychic” category.

    I’m going to try to post as much as I can for you tonight. 🙂

    If you want to contact me via a different means than open blogs, lemme know. I’d be happy to help you any way I can.

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