Fail, fail and fight.

I just got home from walking out during my anatomy and physiology II course. Another $1500 out the windows. I want to hit myself and blame myself for such failure but my heart knows not to because I tried. 

The medications I was on messed me up. It helped stop the intrusive voices and even helped my anxiety. However, months into the medications I started to feel flat as if I was emotionless. The worst part of being on medication? I almost killed myself. It made my depression deeper than I’ve ever experienced and it made me wanted to die. Needless to say I stopped it all together. The side effects of these pills isn’t worth all the agony I went through. But now that I am going through withdrawal I can’t concentrate or think. I am not doing well in school I am not doing well in life period.

I may have failed again attempting to retake this important course and wasted money I did not have but I am doing it to let my mind heal. I might fail again in the upcoming semester but I can’t give up. I’m feeling beat again and again but I really don’t want to quit on myself. I really want to succeed. And most importantly I want to do it for myself no matter how long this is going to take. I want to prove to myself that even with this mental illness I am no less of anything, and that I can do it. Wish me luck.  

One thought on “Fail, fail and fight.”

  1. Good luck, you can do it!
    I know how meds can be and I have been in your position many times in the past. I had several attempts at ending it all and let me tell you, it cost a lot more than your class price.
    The evil one I was on was Prozac, it totally f***’d me up! After a few years and several Doctors and therapists I was able to quit cold turkey and learn to accept myself and my demon and to grow and thrive. Much to the professionals angst.
    Drop by and leave a message and I will give you my contact info should you need or want to talk.
    Hang in there, okay?

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