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Infertility

Definition:

The inability to conceive children or young.

Something I never thought would happen to me.

Six years ago I met my husband. Five years ago I went off birth control. Three years ago we started Clomid, a fertility medication. Two years ago I started getting vaginal ultrasounds and bloodwork done to “see what was going on in there.” One year ago I was referred to a specialist and have been through a Hysterosalpingography (HSG) which is a radiologic procedure to investigate the shape of the uterine cavity and the shape and patency of the fallopian tubes. It entails the injection of a radio-opaque material into the cervical canal and usually fluoroscopy with image intensification.

In other words, they shot dye into my tubes up into my uterus to check for a blockage.

It hurt like hell.

I have been on 3 different fertility medications (all injections), 2 other medications to supplement those injections and I’ve had to put progesterone capsules into my vagina for weeks at a time.  I also have to give myself trigger shots and I get a probe stuck up me 4 times in two weeks every single month.  Only for them to tell me, you’re not responding to the medications. We can’t do an IUI this month. You have a cyst that is too big, we can’t do anything this month. The doctor is out of the office, we can’t do anything this month. Your insurance probably won’t cover this medication that we already gave you from our stock so now you’ll have to pay us back. Oh and we can’t give you anymore medication until you do.

I cry all of the time.

Every single person around me is pregnant. I thought I was crazy and it was just me noticing it. I’m not. I’ve had multiple people ask me, have you noticed how everyone is pregnant lately??  People my age are on their 3rd and 4th kids.

I can’t even have one.

My best friend has a 2 year old, and is now pregnant with twins.

My brothers girlfriend and my sister, both of whom are younger than I am, were both pregnant at the same time. I have two new nephews 10 days apart.

I’m running out of options. Why not do IVF?

My insurance doesn’t cover it, not to mention I don’t respond to the medications that are used for IVF. I CAN’T EVEN GET THAT FAR.

My eggs are stuck in my ovaries, and they won’t come out.

I have had people ask me for advice with their own fertility issues. What to expect. What’s going to happen in my first appointment? They got pregnant and never had to go to that first appointment.

Now they post every pregnancy article/joke/post they can find on facebook. Awesome. That’s not insensitive or anything……

My husband is amazing and super supportive. I know this is hard for him too. Sometimes I want to take a break from the meds, he thinks I’m giving up to soon on this.

He doesn’t have to inject himself with needles every month.

I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. No one I know has my issue. Plenty of them have gone through the fertility medications/IUI/IVF. But they all got that far. They all responded to the medications. They all got their babies.

I haven’t.

5 Years of trying and still no baby.

I get asked at least once a month, when are you guys going to have a baby?? I know people mean well but really. Just don’t.

I pray, and pray, and pray. I know there is a reason for this. I’m sure it’s just not a reason I want to hear.

Why me?? I did everything right. I got married first, am financially stable, have an awesome job with great benefits. I have health insurance, dental insurance, vision insurance. I have two dogs. A stable marriage. A heart full of love. I’m only 29.

Yet, we just delivered a meth addicted baby to a meth addicted mom a few weeks ago.

This world is a fucked up place.

My mom never wanted to be a mom. She is an alcoholic, I can’t even talk to her about this because she doesn’t give a shit. We haven’t talked in months. My brother didn’t even know her new phone number. She never told him. All I want is to be a mom and I can’t, she never wanted to be one and has 3 kids.

Irony.

I may never get to be a mom, but I know I would have been a damn good one. I would have done a hell of a lot better job than my own mother did. There will always be an empty place in my heart for the child that was supposed to be there. I’m not sure how much longer I can try. My reproductive system is broken. I am broken. I’m not sure if I can ever be fixed.

I have an appointment Monday. More medication, more probes, more lost hopes.

I can only hope for a miracle.

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2 thoughts on “Infertility”

  1. Many many many hugs to you!! The infertility roads is a tough one for sure. I wish I had a magic wand and I could give you that gift. I used to get so mad seeing unwed/young/unfit mother while we were trying for ours. I would cry rivers and avoid family functions so I wouldn’t have to be asked about children or see babies/pregnant ladies. It took us 5 years of actively trying…. I swear it was when I finally gave up and let the stress of trying go is when we got pregnant. I hope your journey takes a turn for the better. I know, all the words in the world except those 2 little ones, will make it hurt less. Just know that you are not alone, and there’s a huge support system there. Many hugs to you!! I’ll be thinking about you!!

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