My social side is a complicated one. I wouldn’t say i have dealt with social anxiety my whole life. I was in fact very popular throughout my teens and definitely a free spirit. However, somewhere in my early twenties i developed a feeling of not belonging. I had many friends in my early 20s so it wasn’t so much a lack of interaction but more a mix of being misunderstood with feeling self conscious.
In my late 20s i think i developed social anxiety to a degree where i avoided most invites to events where i would expect to mingle with people i didn’t know well. I found myself being more open to socialliing with people i knew well and in turn knew me well. I guess you could say i found myself needing to stay within my comfort zone. This stemmed from various factors in this period of time; the negative impact of an empty relationship that affected my confidence hugely, friends moving on or settling down, dealing with anxiety and long term melancholy.
Now in the first year of my 30s i think it’s a fact that i am more socially isolated than i have ever been in my life. I can count on one hand who my ‘friends’ are, including ones i am barely in touch with. The thing is i can’t say i am not comfortable with that. In fact i am quite happy to only have a few acquaintances. I love my own space and tend to be happiest when i am doing my own thing.
However there are times when i wonder if my lack of a social life is the reason i keep away from social functions and am prone to stay in my room when we have guests. I am no longer a social creature and I’m not sure this is a good thing at all. I am aware that i have low self esteem and am not really confident in my own skin. Most times i just can’t deal with the effort of making myself, what i call ‘presentable’. It is probably quite sad from an outside perspective.
I think when i do finally leave my family home it will do brilliant things for me. I don’t like living where i do, the area, the people, the constant flow of guests. My house is like a drop in centre and for somebody like me who loves their privacy it is basically a nightmare. Not to mention living with my drug addicted brother who is like a man child lodger that orders room service twice a day. He is a liability that has no other input than the random rant about some crap, the manipulating for money, empty promises or feeling sorry for himself. Its negative energy i am very used to living with but one i wish too often wasn’t a part of my life.
I hate to sound negative; it’s the last thing i want to be. I wouldn’t say i am feeling negative today, just reflective as i am up here avoiding guests. I wish i could be bothered all of the time and was more open to people in general. Maybe it’s something i should try to work on..