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Never giving up

After two failed marriages, I still ponder the question as to why and where I screwed up.

Growing up on the island, dating was a very big obstacle for me. I much rather have surfed than getting groomed up and heading out for the night. But it did eat at me. I wanted what I saw people and my friends had, companionship. Again, growing up on the island, I had to make sure that no scandalous relationships were with “Hidden” cousins. As messed up as it was, I just vowed to wait on it and experience what life had to offer.

After a year into the military, I finally had my chance! I met this beautiful girl who was also in the military. We hit it off greatly! I always tried but couldn’t stop my heart from fluttering so much and how much I adored her.

We got married and decided to spend our days in each other’s company. That’s when the alcohol and partying accompanied her. She was a very “Career” driven woman and I respected that. I found myself changing and I hated it. I hated it so much that I told her. So, instead of dragging me along, she went on her own. There have been nights where I’d wait for her and only then would she show up drunk.

It wasn’t long until a friend of ours showed up at our apartment. I got back from a month-long duty assignment and was running on the few minutes of rest I had from the car ride. She asked to come in and so we sat and talked for a bit. That day replays at times… especially when I’m feeling really down. The words, “She’s cheating on you.”, still, emanate through  my mind. After confronting her about it, I had to make a decision. Do I continue on with my life and start a family? Or do I stay and be miserable? You can guess which path I decided to go down.

After admitting myself into rehab, twice, for a drinking problem, I met another woman. The woman who helped me recover and give us a child we both wanted so badly in this world. I finally felt I can achieve the peace I always wanted.

Nope.

After years of search and rescue, hurricane Katrina, and the extensive training to be the best at what I did, it finally came crashing down on me in 2015.

I was working as a Medical/Dental assistant at a Children’s Hospital, so the hours were very demanding of my time. The issues with flashbacks and living in the past haunted me then, but the pain became too much. I picked drinking back up and living with the regrets of the “Should have’s, Could have’s, and Would have’s”, were getting to be too much.

So, acknowledging that my problems were getting out of hand, I asked my best friend to divorce me. I wanted to protect them from me….the one who promised to always protect them. I couldn’t look at my son and not see an ounce of happiness in his eyes. They were always hidden away in his mom’s arms, afraid to even look at me. 

After the year was over, I felt an overwhelming rush of peace. Yeah, like everyone nowadays, I was in over my head on things. But with a little perseverance, things worked out and I can’t stop thanking the path that opened up.

The finer details were much more elaborate but I thought I’d save you the trouble of having read so much, hahaha. The now is here and it’s where we should all be.

The things I still write in my personal journal, “Mana’taka (Revival of Strength and Spirit)”, keep me in line with my goal. That goal is to live.

Don’t feel bad for me, I needed a heavy dose of reality. I have been freed of my madness and today marks the 6th year of being out of the military. It was something I couldn’t grasp until recently. Things are always going to be hard but we are a lot stronger than what we really think. I took the time to feel remorse, I cried until I couldn’t breathe, but in the end, I was left with only going up from there.

That’s why writing has been my escape. If it’s yours too, then consider me a fellow writer/friend. The heartaches, the pain, the crazy that people won’t ever get…we share it. But the most beautiful thing about those things are the many interpretations of it and how differently we solve them. That, my friend, is living.

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