Sinking ships

Things have felt so crazy strange in my life the past month or so, really.  I have been reflecting a lot, and I have a strange urge to reconnect with friends from my past that we just lost touch, or we reconnected but only talked a few times.  The timeframe these friends were in was a good one.  I’d say the best of my life, but that would only be partly true, and really, each stage of life has best parts and worst parts.  Anyways, I don’t know what it is about this one friend in particular that we reconnect a few months back.  He was my best friend, yeah I had a crush on him, but we weren’t attracted to each other romantically, if that makes sense.  We were two peas in a pod, and I loved it!  I could be myself, goofy and all, and he wouldn’t judge. 

We always had a good time, no matter what we did.  I miss those days, having that relationship,  Yeah, I am happily married, but I feel like I’ve lost all my friends.  No fault to anyone or anything, but you just kinda grow differently as you age and with that there are people who leave.  Nothing bad, just kinda miss some of those people. 


A few months back I had a really really bad bout of depression/anxiety/post postpartum.  It was scary bad, like I could have played the role in a Lifetime movie, bad.  Long story short, after a current bestie (who lives impossibly far away) talked me off my ledge, I reconnected with the first bestie.  It was just strange how it happened.  Almost as if I willed it to be true and happen.  Just strange.


Fast forward to now.  I used to be THE social butterfly.  Now…. I am the trampled dandelion after Renfest.  I really WANT to be social again.  I CRAVE being out in public WITH people other than family and Husband.  Hopefully I can fulfill that soon.  I also hope that if I run into the first bestie that he will still talk to me after he’s seen that I’ve gained 100 pounds since he’s seen me last.  I guess the whole reason I haven’t met up with him is because the fear of rejection because of how I look now.  Ugh.  I don’t think he would have grown into that person, but who knows.  People are so rude and hurtful when it comes to that!  The fear of rejection is real and runs rampant through my blood.


In our family there was a recent break up, sad, really sad.  Long story short they are divorcing.  It really makes me sad how someone can just leave their children and then say that they are the happiest they have ever been… without their children!  That’s messed up! 


Well, I suppose…. I should stop this before my blood boils over too high.  😉

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