Sunday and I, we have a love/hate relationship.
We’ve had plenty of good times but damn, have I had some emotional breakdowns on this beautiful day of rest.
Rest, it does strange things to me.
Silence seem to encourage the darkest thoughts in my head.
Doing nothing, makes me feel worthless.
Take today for example, I woke up early but stayed in bed for hours, sipping coffee, wasting time online.
It was a sunny day, I had planned to go downtown, wander around, enjoy the weather.
But I never made it out the door, I got stuck in my own bubble that feels safe.
And now here I am, writing this, feeling miserable for wasting a precious day off.
But why? Why do I feel like I ‘wasted’ it?
I lived, did little things that I enjoyed at the time. Just because I didn’t do anything worth sharing on social media, doesn’t mean it’s a waste of time. Right?
And this almost always ends up in me overthinking everything; my job, my love life, my social life, my existence.
By this time I’ve had one glass too many, I’m listening to dark music, my forehead is tense and tears are streaming down my face.
Why? I can’t find an answer. It’s almost as if, subconsciously, I live up to this moment where I can let it all out. Embrace the darkness. It feels safe. Unpleasant, but safe.
[now playing Bright Eyes – Lua]