It gets better….

It gets better… My mantra for the past 2 years. I have never walked away from a direct shot at me, I also have never backed away from defending someone important or innocent. Yet I keep believing that by doing this, things will get better. But that’s not quite the case. It seems like everything just becomes more static and irrelevant. This still has something to do with my partial life meltdown last night. I had a realization that I’m not enjoying my youth anymore. This morning I woke up next to the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with, and I added a thought to what I had explored last night… 

It’s not that I am no longer liked by people, or that I lost my ability to enjoy life. The people I used to enjoy it with gave me drive. They were so innocent and curious that it made me curious and adventurous! But now, I decided to have an ounce of responsibility and consideration for my future that I’m just on another page than my friends. Of course each collection of people I know understand parts of my actions and choices. But no one really understands what I’m going through as a whole. 

My parents have emotionally scarred me from believing in happy endings. My mother a once strong and powerful woman in my eyes now looks weak and dust like. She let’s my faulted father treat her like a video game. When he fails at something it’s her fault. She doesn’t do what he wants it’s because she’s broken. My family puts me in the middle of their problems. A constant mental game where my dad tries to make me think something is wrong with my mother, and she tries to act like she can handle it when I can see she clearly can’t. Since I was 16 I have always put myself in the line of fire in order to protect my brothers. That’s what a big sister does. She protects her younger siblings. But as I’m getting older, it’s becoming harder to do so without losing a part of myself in the process. I can’t keep them in the dark anymore. But I know I also can’t make them understand the reality of the situation between our parents like I do. 

2 thoughts on “It gets better….”

  1. Leena, it sounds like you are caught in the middle way too much. Do you live close by or with your parents? Maybe you could check on them once a day or once a week and try to put them into God’s hands after that (and during that!) I will say a prayer for you, dear.

  2. Thank you SavedByGrace. I live partially with my parents for convenience to my job and school. But in 2 weeks from now I will be full time with my boyfriend because he lives closer to the school I will with interning with. I worry that by taking steps toward my own future means abandoning my role in protecting my brothers and defending my mother. At what point do I need to move on with my life, without abandoning the responsibilities which I’ve dealt with all my life.

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