This is the story of how things have been so far. I am 32, not a spring chicken anymore, however, I have had a problem since I was a spring chicken. I have depression, anxiety and I self harm. Now I know there are hundreds of online diaries from little teenage girls and boys that are all about their depression and how they hurt themselves. This isn’t going to be one of those. This is a diary of recovery, of how I am trying to get over these illnesses. I first went to see a doctor in February, he referred me to what is called the urgent care assessment team. Well they screwed me over last year, then they actually forgot about me. This left me to start the process again this year. So now I am back under the care of the urgent care team, great you may say, at this point I would laugh in your face. It sounds great, finally getting some help, getting some support…..if only it was like that. It turns out that because I am still actively self harming they cannot refer me onwards. Apparently there are new national guidelines that state a person has to be 3-6 months injury free before they are entitled to help. Now here I am with 15 years of self harm being told that I just have to…stop. Just like that. To anyone who hasn’t self harmed or had any other addiction it sounds simple, but it’s like telling an alcoholic that they have to stop drinking for 6 months before they are allowed into rehab. It just doesn’t work, and believe me I wish it did, god how I wish it did. I have recently just had another friend tell me they are “done with this” because I can’t stop, and I can’t blame them. This is a lot to deal with. But I do not want this anymore, I do not want anymore scars, I do not want to cause anymore damage to myself than I already have done. And yet when it gets too hard I resort back to what I know. Thing is this is how I have dealt with my problems for 15 years, I don’t know how to deal with things without this. Anger, fear, sadness…..I just don’t know how to do it. But I do know..I do know that I DO NOT WANT THIS ANYMORE. So I have contacted 2 charities in my area, one has offered me counselling to deal with the issues that cause me to hurt myself and also the depression, and one I have given the details of what is happening to see if I can get round these stupid new guidelines. I have also gone onto a self harm support website to see if they can help. Then tomorrow I shall get in touch with a service called PALS, aka the patient advice liaison service, hopefully they will be able to advise me on a way to get through this as well. So here it is, that’s the story so far, and if you haven’t got bored and quit halfway through this, yay you.
Until next time,